


Moments

by Styyyylinson



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Assault, Closeted Character, Closeted Louis, Drug Use, F/M, Gay, Harry is an openly gay man, Illnesses, International Students, M/M, Major Illness, Niall and Zayn might hook up, Niall is here for the food, Past Drug Use, Psychology, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Assault, Sexual Content, Sexual Identity, Sexual Tension, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-17 13:10:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 42,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4667756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Styyyylinson/pseuds/Styyyylinson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis was never one to turn down an opportunity for his education, so when he received a letter from Chicago granting him an almost full ride - he was overjoyed. His parents were proud when they sent him off to the United Sates, knowing he would do well with whatever he put his mind to. As a straight A student, they expected that Louis would get a scholarship, and were pleased that it was to such an excellent school for what he was looking to study. What they didn't know was that Louis had a secret - and a single moment that would change his life.</p><p>Or the one where Louis needs to come out and be with Harry before it's too late. #DarkHarry</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Looking down at the letter in my hand, and up at the ten story building in front of me was heightening my anxiety. I had just moved to Chicago from across the Atlantic Ocean and I was already feeling like it may have been a mistake. Sure I got the grades and the scholarship to go to one of the most prestigious Universities in Chicago, but dang this was intimidating. I read over the letter once more:

_Dear Mr. Tomlinson,_

_Congratulations on your admission to the University of Chicago! For nearly 200 years, UC has been ranked top in the nation, and we are excited for you to be part of this great tradition. As a member of the Class of 2018, you will join a dynamic student community in a place of endless opportunities. UC offers an unparalleled setting for the next chapter of your life._

_The competition for admission was particularly rigorous this year, as our freshman class of 2,120 was carefully chosen from nearly 28,000 applicants. We were impressed by your academic achievements and believe strongly in your potential for continued success. You are a remarkable individual, and we are confident that you will make a lasting contribution to UC and to the world. The opportunity to spend your college years in a vibrant city surrounded by exceptional people provides the foundation for an extraordinary life._

_As part of our welcoming process, we would like to formally invite you to our International Students Welcome Ceremony. We offer an opportunity for all of our international students to explore the city and get to know the campus two weeks before regularly scheduled classes begin. Attached to this letter is the information regarding your housing and the agenda for the international students._

_The University of Chicago family welcomes you, and I personally look forward to greeting you on campus._

_Let knowledge grow from more to more; and so be human life enriched,_

_Karen R. Kenton_

_Director of Admissions_

 

I glance down at the directions again, having gotten turned around in the city about twelve times already this morning. I was jet lagged and tired as hell, but I needed to make the best of my first day. Jesus, am I even in the right place?

"Excuse me" an accented voice sounds from behind me, and I turn around to see who it belongs to.

The guy standing behind me is tall and looks nice, and the smile that beams across his face confirms that he's not going to murder me in the street. He's handsome. "Hi." I squeak.

"Are you lost?" he asks, shaking his head and looking up to the building I'm in front of. "Are you here for the international student welcome stuff?" he continues, not giving me a chance to reply.

"Oh thank you, yeah! I just don't know what I'm doing right now, I'm exhausted." I explain to him how my flight only landed a few hours ago and I've been traipsing around with my luggage trying to figure out where I'm going. He's really outgoing and friendly, and I'm glad he's the first person I've run into here. He walks with me to the correct dorm and we pause in front of the elevators.

"Who's your room mate?" he asks, trying to peek over my shoulder.

"Oh, erm...haven't even looked yet!" I pull out my folder that I've stored everything in and find the right tab.

"Organized, eh?" he laughs.

I look down at the name and room number on my sheet. How could I have skipped looking up my new room mate? I should have been researching him on Facebook or something. I let out a sigh. "His name's Liam Payne. Room...802, yeah. 8th floor." I tell him, waiting to see if he knows the guy.

The nice boy lets out a laugh and his grin seems to spread further across his face. "I can't believe I didn't even introduce myself yet." he shakes his head and takes one of my bags. "I'm Liam. I guess we'll be rooming together this year."

I'm completely shocked and I'm sure my mouth drops and I look like I'm catching flies with my mouth. "What?" I ask, pulling open the door and throwing my bags inside. "You have to be kidding!" I still can't believe my luck today. I hope it doesn't run out, as it's my first day in Chicago.

Liam explains to me how he arrived a few days ago and has already set up his side of the room. "I've been so freaking bored all day - I'm so glad you're finally here!" he takes me into a hug and I instantly tighten up, but hug him back.

"Yeah mate, this is awesome!" I tell him, beginning to unpack what I've brought with me.

Liam and I spend the next two hours talking about what we're majoring in, where we're from, and anything else we can think of. Liam left a girlfriend back home in England and is thinking about rushing a frat as a freshman. I'm not sure if I'm interested in that, but I need a way to make new friends and maybe get a girlfriend or something.

"Wait you've never dated?" he asks me, surprised that I haven't had a girlfriend before. "How old are you dude?" he asks, buttoning up his shirt as we get ready for the welcome ceremony.

I pause for a moment, my mind reeling. I just met this guy and he seems really great, but telling him about my sexuality may push him away. Any guy friend I've ever had from home has become really distant whenever I even mention people who are gay. I've known for a long time that I'm gay, but I'm only out to my younger sister, and I need to keep it that way. I can tell I've been silent for too long by the way Liam is looking at me.

"Ah no...I just, never found anyone who was interested..." I trail off, running my hand through my hair.

"Seriously? What were girls like at your school? Goths?" he laughs, taking in my appearance. I'm wearing nice jeans, a white button down, and a suit jacket. I dress pretty nicely and fairly conservative mostly.

Redness rises to my cheeks, but I respond anyway. "Nah, I was kinda nerdy...if you can imagine." I smile and glance down at my watch. We have fifteen minutes to get to the dinner.

"Well I think we can change that." Liam assures me as we head down to the banquet hall across campus. The University set up a welcome dinner for the international students to get to know one another, and I'm hopeful that I can meet people just as nice as my new room mate is.

Liam and I walk up to the banquet hall when I notice someone standing outside leaning against the wall. His jeans are tight, and he's wearing a weird patterned shirt that it looks like he found at a second hand shop. Liam doesn't seem to notice, but as we get closer, I can see a smile on the strangers face. His shaggy hair hangs in front of one eye as he takes a drag from his cigarette.

"Ey there prep school, see something you like?" he asks, his accent thick as his voice travels.

I've been caught staring and I can't muster up a response. I stutter over my words. "I...uh..." Liam interrupts and saves the day.

"Bugger off, Harry." he tells the guy, clearly on a first name basis with him. "Come on, Louis."

I can't help but notice that the green eyed boy is still looking at me, unfazed by Liam and his comment. I tear my eyes away from him, itching to get inside the banquet hall and away from this guy. Liam and I head inside and as the door swings closed, I hear him say something.

"See you around, prep school."

I can't think of anything else the rest of the night.


	2. Chapter 2

The banquet dinner goes by in a flash, and is essentially a bunch of student rubbing elbows with faculty and getting to know one another. I spot Harry a few times during the night, and catch him looking at me once or twice with what I can only describe as a smirk across his face. Liam and I are pretty quiet on the way back to our dorm, worn out from talking and hanging out with other students all night.

"So, how do you know him?" I ask, interrupting the silence and bringing my thoughts in the open.

"Who?" Liam sounds confused and I blush, thankful for the darkness the night brings.

"Harry." I say simply, my curiosity has gotten the best of me at this point.

Liam launches into a story about where he's from and how he and his family moved to Holmes Chapel a few years back. He and Harry had attended the same school, and Harry graduated a year before Liam. "We were actually pretty close, and he's the reason I applied here." Liam ended his story, much to my surprise, by knowing Harry personally. He took my silence as a cue to continue.

"I applied in year 11 while Harry was in his first year here. I don't know what happened, but Harry changed a lot." Liam is long winded, but eventually brings up the fact that he and Harry were very close friends, and midway through Harry's second semester in Chicago, he stopped talking to everyone at home. "I'm not even sure his mum has heard from him, really..." he trailed off as we approached our dorm.

"I think I'm going to stay out here for a minute" I tell Liam, pausing for a moment to check the time on my phone. I have a missed call from my sister, she must have been on her way to class when she rang me. Liam heads upstairs and I'm left alone with my thoughts in my head and my freshman year lanyard around my neck.

I ring my sister back and of course get the voicemail - she wouldn't dare answer her phone while at school. "Aye, Lottie it's Louis! Sorry I missed you, I was at this weird dinner banquet for the international students. I can't wait to tell you everything, my room mate is so..." I look up from my phone to see Harry standing on the dorm stairs with that stupid smile on his face.

"Heya, prep school" he says simply, walking past me to head inside. I click the end button on my phone and catch up to him.

"Ey mate, why do you keep calling me prep school?" I ask him, uncertain of where my sudden confidence came from.

"Mate?" he asks, brows arching in curiosity. "First of all, I'm not your mate...and second, look at you." he says, his eyes traveling up and down my body. I'm suddenly very aware of every part of myself and feel as if he can see through me.

Before I have the chance to respond to him, a blonde boy walks up and swings his arm around Harry's shoulder. "Ayyyye, what are ya doing tonight Harry?" he asks, oblivious to my presence. Harry's eyes are still on me.

"Well you see, Niall, I'm harassing a freshman and then going up to your room to crash." he tells the newcomer, clearly a close friend of his. I wonder if they're dating.

The blonde lets out a sigh. "Excellent. We're having a bit of a party in my room. Shall we?" Harry agrees and the blond boy attempts to steer Harry away from our lacking conversation.

"You drink, prep school?" he asks me.

"I...uh..." I'm struggling with words. I want to know who this guy is, but I'm not really one to drink or party at all.

"Figures. Let's go, Niall." he says, turning on his heel and heading inside with his friend.

_Christ, Lou, get your shit together. If you want to know who this hot guy is, man up and fucking go with him. This could be your only chance._

"Hey wait!" I call out, my voice much higher than Harry's. Why am I thinking about Harry's voice now? Christ.

Before Harry turns around I know there's a smirk pasted on his face. He waves me over and we travel up the elevator together, Harry mocking me for my clothes once more. Once we make it to the small dorm room there are about seven people inside and the music is loud. Harry and Niall immediately start to mingle with everyone, and leave me to fend for myself. After a few minutes of looking at the photos and strange art on the walls, my thoughts are interrupted by Harry who is holding a drink out to me.

"I hope you didn't think I would forget about you." he tells me, his voice just above a whisper. I can't help but get lost in his green eyes for a moment before taking the cup.

"Yeah, thanks." I tell him, taking a sip of the strong liquid and nearly spitting it out. Harry finds great joy in the face I'm making.

"Jesus you really haven't drank before, have you?" he pauses for a second, taking a sip of his own beverage. "What are you a fucking mormon or something?" he laughs at his own joke.

"I just...I haven't." I want to leave this party. I thought I would like getting to know this guy, but it turns out all he wanted to do was make fun of me.

"Hey...hey I'm sorry" It sounds like he's never apologized for anything in his life before. The words sound awkward leaving his mouth, but I accept it all the same. "So what's your real name? You know, in case I ever want to know."

"It's Louis" I tell him, taking another long sip from the cup, this time stomaching the beverage with more ease.

Harry introduces me to the rest of the room using my actual name, and I find myself enjoying this more and more. The buzz reaches my brain quickly, and I can tell the alcohol is having an effect on me and what I'm thinking about. My brain runs a mile a minute thinking about Harry, about men, and about how I just want to shout out that I'm gay. The people around me are a bit blurry, but I see Harry in my peripheral and he looks as handsome as ever. "Heyyyy, Harry!" I pull him over to me and the surprise on his face is evident.

"Hey preppy." he smiles and looks down at my hand that's still on his arm. "You get a little touchy when you're drunk, huh?" he loops his arm around my neck and the smile on my face grows.

"I dunno" I can hear myself slurring, and I know my voice sounds different. "I've never been drunk..." My eyes wander around the room and I see that some people are pairing off and my vision gets a bit more blurry.

"Ahhhh, that makes more sense now." He shakes his head and a low laugh comes from behind his lips. I want to touch those lips and I reach my hand up but his own stops me. "You'll regret that." He tells me.

I erupt into a fit of laughter and remove myself from his grasp. Harry waves over Niall and tells him he's going to head out. I think he mentions something about work, but I can't remember. Niall hugs his friend and they both turn to me. "You staying to hang?" Niall asks me, his voice hopeful.

I look between Harry and Niall, wondering how I ended up here my first night of university. Before I have the chance to respond I feel a rumbling in my stomach. "Oh fuck me" I hear Harry say before I empty the contents of my stomach on to his shoes. The rest of the evening is darkness, but when I wake up the next day in a strange apartment, the panic sets in.


	3. Chapter 3

**[Harry's POV]**

Niall and I keep to ourselves the majority of the banquet, it's really just an excuse to shmooze and get free food for everyone. It's quite stupid really, because no one makes any fucking friends at these events. We spend the majority of our time poking fun at certain students, especially the ones who are trying to be best friends with all of the professors. I don't have time for that shit, plus, I'm pretty well liked by the people that matter in my department. Niall and I leave early and walk around campus, waiting for something interesting to happen - which it never does. Niall takes off to go "hang out" with his girlfriend Alexa, leaving me alone with my thoughts again.

I've been in Chicago just over a year now, and I really like it. I can do what I want, when I want, with no one to tell me where to go or what to do. It's really liberating after being in such a small household and having everyone tell me what I needed to be doing. I'm pretty close to my mum, but that's about the only connection I have from home. That, and Liam Payne. I still couldn't believe he came to school here after I told him not to about a thousand times. I wonder if he's just trying to remind me of the life I had before, or what fucking game he's playing. My mind wanders back to seeing Liam earlier in the night with his little prep school friend. I wonder if they're fucking, but then remember that Liam is as straight as they come. The other one is highly questionable - I saw the way he was looking at me tonight, and I can't guarantee he's interested, but he definitely doesn't mind what he sees.

I chuckle to myself and take another long drag from my cigarette and walk up to the dorms when I notice the scrawny guy chatting on the phone. Who the fuck is he talking to after midnight? "Heya, prep school." I chime as I walk past him, a smile tugging at the corner of my lips. Like clockwork, I count for five seconds and he's already calling after me. I knew he couldn't resist. He asks me why I call him prep school and I can't help but smile at that. I tell him why and take a moment to appreciate him. He's not as scrawny as I expected, and he actually has a decent body - probably into super preppy sports at school. Before I have the chance to eye him anymore, Niall interrupts my thoughts about the new guy.

"You drink, prep school?" I ask him, knowing he has never had a sip of alcohol in his life. He looks nervous and delays answering my question for a moment. I love to watch him squirm.

"Figures, let's go Niall." I tell him, turning around, and for the second time in the past few minutes, preppy is calling after me. I'd rather he be calling my name in a different situation, but this will do for now. After he agrees to come with us we head upstairs and meet up with the rest of the international students that we like.

"Fuuuuck, Zayn! I didn't know you were back!" I shout at him upon entering, embracing one of my first university friends. "How the hell have you been? Have you been to the apartment?" I ask, which launches into a long conversation about his girlfriend, his trip back home, and everything in between. I glance over to prep school who's standing around looking at the pictures in the room, and excuse myself from Zayn. Reaching past Niall, I grab some whiskey and coke, making a decent drink for him. I pour myself a cup full of coke and walk over. I don't want to scare him out of his trance of being a loner, so I speak quietly.

"I hope you didn't think I would forget about you." He jumps at the sound of my voice and gets caught up in the moment. I think he's fascinated by me, which makes my blood run hot. I finally ask his name, as I should probably learn this if I ever want to actually have a conversation with this guy.

"Louis, eh?" I ask with a wink before introducing him to the rest of the room. Louis becomes quite chatty and I take the opportunity to talk to some other people.

Niall and I talk about our band for almost an hour, trying to decide where our next gig is going to be. We're a pretty decent group with a following around the city, so it shouldn't be too hard to book something the first weekend of classes.

"Alexa's apartment is ok. Maybe we could host a party there?" Niall asks, his accent becoming thicker as the night wears on.

"Yeah so you can get distracted and go fuck her in the bedroom? No thanks, I'd like to actually play a whole set." I tell him, taking a long sip from my cup. I let my eyes wander over to Louis who's still chatting away, looking more and more drunk as the seconds pass by. Niall notices.

"You gonna go for that, Harry?" he asks, that friendly Irish chuckle passing over his lips.

I shake my head. "I don't know. I'm not into helping people come out or anything, but he's really fucking peculiar and I want to know more."

Niall seems surprised at my statement. "You didn't mind helping...Kevin, Donovan, or Jax come out..." he trails off. I turn my attention back to Niall who clearly wants it. "Kevin and Donovan were fucking idiots. An easy lay." I explain to Niall how quickly I made them realize they wanted me. "Jax was too good. Pretty sure I didn't help him with anything." I smile before nudging my friend in the side.

Another ten minutes passes before I feel someone pulling on my arm. I almost slap the dumb shit before realizing its Louis. A very drunk Louis by the looks of him. He pulls me over and I shoot a look to Niall that says it all - he's super fucking interested in me, wether or not he wants to admit it. He reaches up to touch my face and I nearly smack him again, no one fucking touches me without my permission. I warn him and he scales back, looking distraught. I wonder if I did something wrong, but I'm soon informed that he's just really wasted.

"Well my fucking boots are ruined." I mumble to Niall as we lift a mostly plastered Louis up from the floor. The tile floor of the dorm room is covered in his puke, though most of it ended up on my shoes. "Christ."

"Ey mate, he can't stay here...there's no room." I look around and realize he's right. Niall's room mate and his girlfriend are in one bed, Niall will be in the other, and two people have already passed out on their sofa.

"It's alright, I'll get him back to his room." I sigh, knowing that I can't put the moves on or let alone talk to someone who's half in the bag. Niall gives me a sympathetic look as I swing Louis' arm over my shoulders and lead him out of the room.

"How come youuuuu're not wasted?" he asks, smiling broadly. I can't help but think he's attractive even though he smells like absolute shit.

"I'm not drinking." I tell the truth, knowing he won't remember in the morning.

"That's dumb." he remarks.

"Yeah, well...let's get back to your room." I quickly change the subject, asking Louis what room he's in. He suddenly erupts into a fit of laughter and I know this evening isn't going to be easy.

"Eight." he says simply.

"You can't be in room eight. There is no room eight." I pick up his ID and look at it. Maybe he's written it down somewhere. The only thing on his ID is his picture and his department. Psychology - interesting.

"You're picture is nice, you preppy drunk asshole." I tell him. He mumbles something inaudible.

I finally make the executive decision that he'll have to come back to my place to sleep. It's going to be hell dragging his ass half way across campus, but I don't know where the fuck he lives, and I'm certainly not going to call Liam at four in the morning. I walk Louis down the front steps of the dorm and across the street. Twenty minutes pass of him stopping to vomit in the bushes and sit on the curb telling me how nice I am before we get to my apartment. I've lived off campus for about six months, and it's the best decision I've ever made. Zayn and I have been room mates since then, but I've had the place to myself all summer since he's been in the UK. I know he won't be back anytime soon, so I don't bother trying to be quiet when we walk up the stairs.

"Christ, Louis, you're dead weight." I tell him as I unlock the door and help him inside. My room will be easiest to get to. I can't remember the last time I had a guy over and didn't have strict intensions of sleeping with him and kicking him out. Actually, that's never fucking happened before.

It takes an eternity to get Louis' clothes off and in my bed. I don't want him getting his upchuck on my sheets, so I throw on an old tshirt of mine and let him sleep in his boxers. I feel wrong looking at him while he's basically passed out, so I pull the sheets up over him and turn out the light. He mumbles something again, but I shut the door behind me and set up the couch to sleep on.

"What the fuck am I doing?" I ask audibly, knowing no one will answer. I pull out my phone and see a number of missed texts from Niall and Zayn asking how it's going, but I ignore them. I scroll to the number listed under "JR" and dial it, knowing I'll get sent to voicemail. The phone rings a few times and sends me to the voicemail system, asking who I want to leave a message for.

"Eeeey, Jackman! It's Harry, you know....Harry." I pause for a moment, running hand through my hair. "Listen uh, we need to meet tomorrow. It's fucking important." I say into the receiver, slowly, as if I'm not hearing myself correctly. "Anyway, I'll swing by after work at like 4 or something, lemme know if that doesn't jive with your hectic important fucking schedule." I laugh and hang up the phone, knowing he'll be at least slightly amused with me.

Five hours of sleep later, I wake up and check to make sure my guest is still asleep. I quickly dress for work and head outside. I send a quick text to Zayn warning him about Louis in the bed before getting in my car and driving to work. My phone rings a moment later.

"Ayyyyyyeee!" It's Zayn, really pleased with himself of course.

"Hey, I'm headed into the hell hole, so I can't talk long."

"You sound tired. Were you up late with Louuuuuis last night?" he mocks. I can practically hear him smiling over the phone.

"Hey fuck you I'm not that much of a freak, he passed out before we even got home."

"Alright mate, calm down. When will you be back? Niall went fucking crazy last night and I need to tell you about it."

"Ah like 6, probably."

"Working late, eh?"

"Yeah, see ya." I hang up before he can ask any more questions.


	4. Chapter 4

**[Louis POV]**

Without opening my eyes, I know I'm still a little bit drunk when I wake up. I roll over in my bed and groan, hugging a pillow close to my chest as if it'll save me from the fresh hell of my first hangover. I take a deep breath in before sitting up and rubbing my eyes. 

"What the..." I mutter to myself before swinging my feet over the side of the bed. This definitely isn't my dorm room, and I don't even know if I'm still on campus at this point. What happened last night? The last thing I remember is meeting a bunch of people I've never seen before, and briefly hanging all over...I spot a few photos on the walls and realize where I am.

"No, no, no..." I was hanging all over Harry last night and now I'm in his bedroom. I look around and don't see any sign of him - keys, phone, anything. Guessing that my best chance of finding him is leaving his bedroom, I quickly find my pants and tug them on, taking a look in the mirror before I leave his room. "Oh God" I mutter to myself, looking down at the tshirt I'm wearing. It's definitely not mine and looks a lot like something Harry would wear. I rifle through some clothing on the floor but still can't find my shirt. I need to get out of here.

I take the stairs down into what looks like a living room, and immediately spot Harry's room mate - I can't remember his name - texting like a mad man on his phone. He looks up after hearing me come down.

"Hey mate!" he seems cheerful, but suddenly arches a brow in my direction upon seeing what I'm wearing. He doesn't comment on it, and for that I'm thankful.

"Hey...uh, is Harry here?" I ask timidly, hoping that I can figure out if something - anything - happened last night.

Zayn looks down at his phone once more, sends a texts, and directs his attention back toward me. "Ah no he's at work, but you can chill here until he gets back." he offers me a smile.

I look down at my watch and realize it's already one in the afternoon, and I haven't seen Liam since the banquet last night. "I probably shouldn't, but uh..." I awkwardly fiddle with the hem of the t-shirt I'm wearing. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah man, what's up?"

"Well...did I do anything stupid last night?" 

Zayn chuckles lightly and shakes his head, immediately alerting me that I've done something that will be embarrassing to me. "First time drinking, huh?" he avoids my question.

"Yeah"

"Happens to the best of us. You maaaay have puked at Niall's but he was tanked last night and did some crazy shit - no one will remember your little episode." He tried to make me feel better, but I knew there was a red blush rising to my face. "Oh and I think your phone is by the door there, I found it outside on the ground this morning."

"Oh shit, thanks!" I tell him, grabbing the iPhone from the table and typing in my password. I have what seems like a million texts from Liam, but no one else has tried to reach me. I briefly think about giving Zayn my number to give to Harry, but I can't bring myself to do it. "I guess I'll see ya around." I tell Zayn before heading out the door and pulling up my map on my phone to figure out what I'm doing with my life.

**[Harry's POV]**

I've been working at Rinolfo's since starting college for a little extra spending money. It's a decent place, and the tips are epic because of the people that go there. I try to stay on my best behavior, paste on a shit eating grin, and make my way through every shift. After what seems like an eternity of waiting on people this morning and working past my shift time, I finally find Max and ask him if I can leave. He's the manager and really seems to like me, so he sends me on my way after cashing out for my tips. "Three hundred? Fucking brunch preppies..." I smile at him and throw him a wave as I walk to my car. 

I shove the cash in my glove box and take out my phone, scrolling through texts from Zayn telling me what's going on with Louis. Is he fucking live tweeting this shit? How does he know Louis is wearing my shirt? Did he take it home? "Fucking hell." I know Zayn is going to give me a lot of shit when I get back. I start my car but don't head back to the apartment, instead I take the highway a bit north and stop in front of what looks like an office building. I run up the steps and buzz the doorbell, rolling up the sleeves of my nice shirt and untying my bow tie. 

"Harry?" A static voice asks over the intercom.

"No, it's the fucking Queen of England. Expecting someone else?" 

Instead of a reply, the lock of the door clicks and I step inside. I walk past the empty reception desk, as it's a Sunday evening, and knock on the farthest door on the right.

"Come in"

Taking a few steps forward I look up and see JR smiling ear to ear. "What?" I ask him.

"Did you dress up just for me Harry?" I can see his smile growing.

"Ah fuck you man, can we just do this?"

"Always so pleasant." he comments sitting in an armchair, and telling me to sit wherever I want. He has a couch, another armchair, and a fucking kiddie chair in his office. 

I sit down and cross my ankle at my knee, looking up at him expectantly.

"You called pretty early this morning" he starts "Is everything ok?" 

Of course everything is not ok, but I won't start out with that. I launch into a story about last night, and tell JR about everything - seeing all of my friends again for the first time, going to a party, and meeting Louis. I feel myself smile a little when I say his name, but wipe that away before he takes notice of it. While I speak, JR takes scribbles of notes every now and then, but mostly just listens as I tell him about my night.

"And that's it?" he asks, a brow arched in curiosity. 

"Yeah, isn't that fucking weird?" I ask him, shaking my head and running a hand through my hair.

"No, I think that means we're on to something here, Harry. I've been seeing you for what - nine months? And every time you tell me about a different conquest of yours, someone you meet and them dump right after you sleep together. I've never heard you actually want to get to know someone you're even remotely attracted to." he breathes, waiting for me to speak.

I haven't actually gotten to know anyone since the beginning of my freshman year in Chicago. I met all of my friends I still have, and when I started seeing JR, I was a mess. I felt like I was sleeping with someone every other day, and never knowing more about them than what I needed to know in the bedroom. Louis was fucking with my head.

"I guess it's good, yeah." I mutter, ringing my hands together.

"So what's the next step?" he asks.

JR and I talk for another half hour or so about my sex life and where I want to see myself in a few years in that regard. He always talks about the future like it's something I'm going to have, and that irritates the piss out of me. No one knows how long they have to do anything - which is why I like to get as many experiences as possible. 

"Are you going to get to know him, or ignore him?" He finally asks, being straightforward.

I shrug my shoulders and crack some of my knuckles. "I could try, but it's going to be weird." I tell JR how I don't think Louis is out to anyone, how he denies his sexuality, and how into him I think I could eventually be. JR normalizes my feelings and I think him for not being a judgey prick therapist, like I know others can be.

"Alright mate, I'll see you Wednesday then." I tell him, standing up to leave.

"Harry" he says with his scolding voice, something I haven't heard in quite some time. I sit back down. "When's the last time you used?"

"You know I haven't drank in like five months, Jackman." I remind him.

"What about the other stuff?" he takes a note.

"It's been two weeks, promise." 

"Glad to hear it." he pats me on the back before showing me out the door. "Just remember if you feel like you need to use - I'm a 'fucking phone call' away, as you say."

"Fuck you." I tell him, as a way to say goodbye.

\-----

Thirty minutes later, I slowly walk up the steps to my apartment and put the keys in the lock. I can barely function right now as the lack of sleep is catching up to me. I throw my shit on the couch and sit down on it, finding Zayn in his usual chair, flipping through Netflix.

"I'm fucking tired." I mutter, putting my legs up on the coffee table and unbuttoning my shirt.

Zayn looks over at me and chuckles to himself, tossing me his phone. "Look at the pictures of Niall from last night." he tells me, scooting his chair over to get a better look at my reactions. I scroll through the photos on his phone and a smile crosses my face. "What was he on?" I ask, looking at a picture of Niall laying spread eagle in the dorm hallway. The next series of photos are of an RA yelling at him, and Niall punching the guy in the stomach. I burst into a fit of laughter and hand the phone back to my best friend. 

"You should have seen it, Harry. Niall went apeshit on the RA and he's getting written up for a ton of violations." He shook his head and locked his phone, setting it down next to him. "So..." he starts, and I know what's coming next. "What's Louis' deal?" 

I tell Zayn all about the night before and what did and did not happen between us. "I mean I can tell he's into me, but I'm not sure what to do with it." I shrug and get up from the couch, heading into the kitchen. I come back and toss a canned beer to my room mate, my ass back on the couch in a matter of minutes.

"Are you going to tell him what happened? He definitely doesn't know anything." Zayn tells me.

"Nah. I probably just shouldn't talk to him, really." I shake my head and take a long sip of an energy drink. I wish it was a beer, but I just saw JR and his little voice is in my head.

Zayn and I stay on the couch until it's time for us to get ready for classes the next day. I don't really give a shit about any of them right now, except my TA position. I get to my room, shower, and run my hands through my hair, picking up a few strands that have fallen free on the floor. I throw them in the trash and grab my spoon from the bathroom drawer.

I can practically hear JR yelling at me as I look through the top drawer of my dresser for a clean syringe, and nearly have the needle in my arm when my phone buzzes. I look down and look at the text, and am surprised to see it's a number I don't know. I put the needle down and unlock my phone, looking at the message.

_Hey, it's Louis. I got your number from Liam...could you tell me what happened last night?_

I'm honestly surprised Liam still has my number, but stare down at the text, wondering how to reply. I'm going to let him sweat it out a little, I decide as I text back.

_Don't worry about it, mate. Have a good first day._

I chuckle and set my phone down, shoving the needle and spoon into my drawer, and realize that someone besides JR has gotten me to stay clean.


	5. Chapter 5

**[Louis’ POV]**

  
“What…?” I say aloud to myself as I stare down at Harry’s text. Why wouldn’t he tell me what happened last night? I need to know if I just slept there or maybe I told him something that I shouldn’t have. I decide to text him back, even though it’s getting late and I have to be up for class at 7 AM the next day.

  
_Did I say anything weird?_

  
I press the send button and feel like I’m holding my breath. If Harry finds out that I’m gay I feel like the entire university will know by the time my first class has finished. He just seems like that kind of guy.

  
_Prep school, when don’t you say weird shit?_

  
“Ugggh” I let out a groan as the door handle to my room clicks open. Liam is standing there, and looks surprised to see me.

  
“Something wrong?” he asks, arching a brow and taking a seat at his desk.

  
I tell him what I remember about the party and leave out the bits that will make me seem like an idiot. Liam laughs when I tell him how awkward I was with all of Harry’s friends.   
“So you slept at Harry’s?” he asks, and I can see confusion sneaking up on his face.

  
I can feel my cheeks start to redden, but push the embarrassment away. “Yeah I was just really tired, ya know?” I change into my pajamas and set my alarm, already paranoid about over sleeping for my first class.

  
“Just watch out for him, I hear he’s a huge player.” This information does not surprise me, given how flirty he seemed with everyone in the room last night. Harry certainly was charming, but damn it why wouldn’t he tell Louis what happened?

  
Liam and I spent the rest of the night pouring over our schedules and determining the best way to get to and from our classes. We shared a class together, which would be fun, but other than that our schedules were very different. I was majoring in Psychology and Liam in Chemistry.

  
\------

  
7:15 AM

  
I can hear my second alarm go off and I groan at the sound, internally kicking myself for allowing my guidance counselor to sign me up for an 8 AM class on a Monday. Liam is already up and dressed as I drag my sorry bum to the showers and try to get myself ready for the day. It’s 7:40 when I leave for my class, giving me just enough time to get to the huge lecture hall in central campus.

  
The auditorium-like room is filled with students, and I can’t imagine there are any less than two hundred in the class. I walk down about halfway and spot a girl sitting by herself.

“Hey, can I sit here?” I ask quietly, glancing around at the other students.

She laughs lightly and pats the seat next to her. “Of course, seats aren’t assigned.” She smiles at me and I toss my bag on the floor, relief flooding through me.

  
“I’m Eleanor by the way.” She says, leaning in and whispering to me.

  
“Louis.” I say in reply. There’s movement in the front of the room and the professor who’s balding and a bit over weight begins to speak.

  
“Welcome to Psych 101, where we weed out anyone and everyone who’s just taking this because they think it’ll be an easy course. Everyone should have received an e-mail with the syllabus, so we don’t need to go over that unless there are any questions.” He paused for about a breath before moving on, his voice dull. “I know all of you were probably excited to have me as a professor judging by how happy everyone appears to be in this 8 AM class, but I’ve decided to let my TA take over this round.”

  
He takes another pause and motions to someone sitting in the front row of the auditorium. Professor Holmes adjusts the small microphone pinned to his shirt. “Of course I can still be a contact person, but if you look at your syllabus, Harry’s e-mail address and office hours should be listed up at the top. Please respect his time as much as you would mine, because he’ll be the one grading all of your assignments.” Professor Holmes motions for Harry to stand up and I have a pit in the middle of my stomach.  
I can feel myself sink lower into my seat, realizing that my Harry and TA Harry are indeed the same Harry. “Oh Christ” I mutter, and Eleanor must hear because she looks over, curious, but doesn’t ask any questions.

  
Harry is also miked so the class can hear him, his accented voice floating softly through the speakers around the room. I can’t say for sure, but I’m fairly certain half of the girls in the room just started swooning over him.

  
“Aye so I’m Harry. Uh yeah, e-mail is the best way to get a hold of me during the day. I also have an office number that you can call – though I’m only there about an hour in the morning, so if you need something it’s best to probably e-mail me. Professor Holmes has everything we’ll be discussing on the syllabus, so read over that.” Harry is professional, but approachable as he speaks. “Oh and another thing, if you don’t come to class – I don’t care – but don’t come crying to me when you don’t know what’s going on.” He finishes and allows a few students to answer questions before carrying on with the lesson.

  
I sit back up in my seat, taking notes vigorously as Harry writes on the marker board and eventually brings out a slide show. It seems like he’s done a lot of work for the class, but I can’t help but think of what a prick he was to me over the weekend, and even last night. I’m grateful for my seat, because I know he hasn’t seen me, but I’m sure he’s looked at the class list and realized that I’m there somewhere.

  
“If everyone could come ready to talk about chapter 17 which is….uh, ah yeah, addiction next time….that would be great. I’m not standing up here the whole time and rambling so ya better be ready to participate.” He tells the class, waving a hand in order to dismiss everyone.

  
I realize I’m still starting down at him when Eleanor nudges me. “Hey, you in there Louis?” she asks, a smile broadening across her face. I shake my head and turn to face her.  
“Yeah sorry, just a bit distracted is all.”

  
“I have a break until 11. Wanna grab coffee?” she asks, and I couldn’t be more interested. Not only do I want to get the hell out of that classroom, but making a new friend wouldn’t be half bad either. We stand up and shimmy our way out of the lane of seats, and I can feel a pair of eyes on me. I don’t bother to turn around because I know exactly who it is.

  
Eleanor and I spend an hour chatting over our coffee, and she asks me all about my life, the UK, and what I plan on doing while in university. It feels like we’ve known each other forever, she’s so easy to talk to. We walk to our next class together and exchange numbers before we each go down a separate hallway. “Let’s hang out soon!” she calls down the hall to me, and I can’t help but smile at how nice she is.

  
\---

  
**[Harry’s POV]**

  
The week has started out complete shit and I’m sure will end just the same. I managed to get through the Psych 101 lecture, get through my independent study, and get to work with about five minutes to spare. I throw my shit inside my locker, adjust my tie, and head out into the dining room before my shift starts. Max slides a drink down the bar for me, noticing that I’ve already had a rough day.

  
“Good first day, eh man?” he asks, taking a long sip of his own drink while studying me.

  
I nod and run a hand through my hair, glancing down at the drink. I could really use a downer but JR’s fucking voice is ringing in my ears. “I’ll pass for now, but thanks!” I smile before heading out to greet a party that’s just been seated.

  
The night goes pretty well, but I’m hell on my feet when I get back to the apartment. Zayn is in his usual chair, flipping through a text book when I drop my bag on the floor.   
“Ayeeee!” he shouts, always excited to see me it seems.

  
“Hey” I flop down on the couch and put my hands behind my head, wondering if the whole year is going to be this miserable. “This day has been long as hell” I comment, kicking off my boots and setting my cash from tonight on the table. I pull out my phone as Zayn begins to tell me about his day. I have 17 fucking text messages, and a missed call from my mother. Christ.

  
I flip through the texts, a few from Niall and Zayn, and one from my mum telling me she wants to come on holiday to visit me. “Shit” I mutter, interrupting Zayn. “Did you see that Niall got us a gig booked this weekend?” I ask him, scrolling through the texts again to make sure I’m reading it right. “We’re fucking playing at The Avalon.”  
Zayn looks down on his phone and clearly doesn’t have a message from Niall. “WHAT THE FUCK?” He nearly yells, his usually calm demeanor now very excited. The Avalon is in the gay neighborhood of Boystown in Chicago, and books nothing but the best local bands around the city.

  
“Who did he have to fuck to get us in there?” I finally ask before Zayn and I launch into an hour long conversation about what songs we should perform. I glance down at my phone and its 2 AM. Tuesdays are my day off from class and I’m utterly thankful that I don’t have to see anyone or teach a fucking lesson tomorrow. I go upstairs, taking the stairs two at a time before getting out my phone and dialing my mum.

  
“Hello Honey!” Her voice is positively beaming over the phone if that’s possible. My mum always has a way of putting a smile on my face, even if I feel like absolute shit.

  
“Hey mum, how are you?”

  
She tells me all about Gemma and what’s she’s been up to, asks about my friends, and finally asks about me.

  
“But how are you feeling, darling?” her voice is soft and I can tell she’s concerned.

  
“Really mum, I’m fine…don’t worry about me.” I avoid the question even further by telling her about our gig coming up and how excited everyone is. My mum knows me as a completely different person than everyone else. She’s probably one of the only people who truly knows me, and that’s the way I like it.

  
“I’d like to hear you boys play sometime. Can I come over the holiday?” she asks, hopeful expectation in her voice. I don’t get the chance to answer before she tacks on. “After all, I’ve only seen you via facetime in the past year, I need a hug from my Harry.”

  
We talk about logistics over her coming over with Gemma, how long they would stay, and I finally sigh and tell her that she can. My mum suddenly realizes how late it is here, and scolds me for being up so late on a school night.

  
“It’s alright mum, I don’t have classes tomorrow. Just my internship and work.”

  
She continues to bicker about how I need rest in order to do my best work and I shake my head, finally hanging up with her.

  
\---

  
When I wake up I feel like I haven’t slept at all. I shower and let my hair air dry while making some tea. I glance down at my phone and realize Louis hasn’t tried to contact me since the other night, and it’s probably for the best. After breakfast I squeeze into my tight black jeans and a long button down shirt, rolling the sleeves up to reveal my tattooed arms. I’m not the stereotypical student, let alone psych student, but I don’t let that bother me. I shoot a quick text to Zayn and Niall, asking if they want to practice for the show this weekend.

  
_“So fucking excited, mates!”_ Zayn replies.

  
_“It’s gonna be so kickass. Harry you better warm up those pipes!”_ Niall texts.

  
I tell them both that I’ll be ready to practice tonight around eight, as soon as I get back from my meeting with JR, though I tell them I’ll be at work.

  
Walking to the parking garage, I pass a number of students who look at me curiously. They’re obviously freshman who have never seen anyone with tattoos, or maybe they’re just having a sexual awakening by seeing me. I laugh to myself and put in my headphones, listening to a recording the guys and I did a few months ago to get back in the groove. Just as I start to get really into it, someone walks right into me, almost falling on their face. “Oh hey, I…” I start, before realizing who it is.

  
“Hey prep school” I comment, reaching my hand down to help Louis up. Surprisingly, he doesn’t take it, and I wonder when he grew a pair.

  
“Uh, sorry.” He states sheepishly, not looking at me. “Let’s go” he says to the girl who I suddenly realize has been walking with him. I know she’s in my class as well.

  
“Ay, prep school, got yourself a girlfriend?” I ask with a waggle of my brows, shoving my hands into my jean pockets and looking her over. She’s cute, but definitely not Louis’ type…

  
Louis awkwardly fumbles with his words before telling me she’s his friend and they have a number of classes together. “Hey listen could we talk later?” he asks me.

  
“The guys and I have a show on Saturday at The Avalon. We can talk then if you want.” I tell him, adjusting my bag on my shoulder and heading back down the street to my car.

  
\---

  
A few hours pass and I’m swamped with work at the hospital. I’ve been interning at one of the cancer specialty hospitals since starting at UC, it was actually Professor Holmes that got me the position. I have a decent amount of experience, and was a good candidate for the job. Plus, the kids seem to like me enough because they think I’m some sort of pirate.   
As a psych intern on the Pediatric Oncology unit I do a lot of assessments for the kids and their parents, but for the most part it’s really fucking depressing. I love the kids, which I would never admit to anyone who asked me from my social circle, but fuck is it hard sometimes. One of my favorite patients, Kevin, is going through his third round of chemo to battle his cancer.

  
I walk into his room with my assessment forms and smile broadly. “What’s up, Superman?” I ask, and the seven year old giggles, because he knows that I’m there just for him that day. We have a chat and I take notes, careful to pull faces at him every once in a while.

  
“Harry?” his little voice asks, and I set my pen down.

  
“What’s up, Kev?” I answer, brows arched as I wait for his question.

  
“Are you going to be here for my birthday?”

  
“October 17th? You know I wouldn’t miss it!” I tell him.

  
Kevin seems surprised that I know his birthday, and even more excited that I’ll see him. Even though it’s still a month away, I know little kids can get really into that kind of thing.

  
“Can we do something special?” he asks.

  
“What did you have in mind?

  
“Maybe you and your British band can sing!” he exclaims, clapping his hands excitedly as he points to all of my tattoos, wondering what each of them mean.

  
“I think we can arrange that.” I tell him, wondering what songs might be appropriate for a seven year old and his family to hear.

  
I get back to my office and answer a few e-mails from students and clients, watching as the work piles up in front of me. I wonder if I’ve over committed myself, but shrug off the notion and get back to my notes. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, hope you like it so far! Let me know what you think! Things will be picking up shortly in order to jump ahead :)

**[Louis’ POV]**

 

The rest of the week seems to fly by. I see Harry around campus once or twice but I feel like he hates me. When I try to say hello to him he waves me off or tells me to hang out with my girlfriend - which I can’t stand. I was hoping to make a new life for myself in Chicago, but I feel like I’m still shoving myself back into the closet. Speaking of Eleanor, we’ve become closer since we shared class and a few walks to and from class together. She seems really cool, so I decide to invite her to Harry’s show with me, since that seems like the only time he’ll ever speak to me.

 

“The Avalon?” she asks. “Isn’t that a gay club?” he brow knits together as she waits for me to answer.

 

“Yeah...but I thought it would be fun, I mean…” I trail off, adjusting my backpack on my shoulder as we stand outside of the lecture hall.

 

Eleanor smiles and shakes her head. “Don’t be stupid, of course I’ll go. Anything to see our TA outside of class, right?” She nudges me and sends me a wink before we walk inside. I think she has a crush on Harry, but I don’t confirm it until we’re in our seats and she’s glued to him.

 

During the lecture, Harry seems tired, playing a video about the brain for the majority of the class while he scribbles in a notebook. Half the class falls asleep, so when he flips the lights back on, he’s met with a number of groans and groggy students.

 

“The test is a week from today, just as a reminder!” he shouts as the class gathers their things. “Professor Holmes will be doing lecture next week so don’t make it look like I haven’t taught you prats anything!” he added, shoving his book in his bag and taking off out the professor exit as if he’s in a hurry

 

\---

 

**[Harry’s POV]**

“Fuck mate, come on!” I shout at the buzzer before the door clicks and I can open the door. JR has been up my ass this week about being on time, and finds it humorous to leave me outside for three minutes in the rain because I’m already fifteen late.

 

He’s chuckling when I open the door to his tiny office, his hands over his chest. When he finally looks up at me, sopping wet and irritated, I think he takes the hint. “Aw Harry, sorry, didn’t realize it was raining.” he apologizes, and I can’t help but know that he’s telling the truth. JR couldn’t lie to save his life.

 

“Soooo Jackman” I trail off, running a hand through my wet hair as I sit down on the couch.

He asks me about my first week of classes, work, my internship, and I can practically feel my blood pressure rise. I tell him how stressful it’s been, how I almost used the other night, and how it’s a constant struggle to keep myself on the straight and narrow.

 

“Hey but you’re doing well, right?” he asks, arching a brow - his question deeper than just my coursework.

 

I let out a groan and shake my head. “My mum is coming to visit and I haven’t told her anything yet. She’s probably going to kill me.” I laugh at my own irony as JR inquires about my family.

 

It feels like only minutes, but I’m there for another hour and a half, divulging my life to this guy that I haven’t even known for a year yet. Before I leave he clears his throat, as if he’s waiting for some sort of answer to an unasked question.

 

“I haven’t drank or used since the last time I told you, relax dude.” I pause for a moment. “Hey, are you into music? Or do you just sit at home and read fucking Pride and Prejudice all day?” I smile, and he shakes his head.

 

“I might be, why do you ask?”

 

“My band - we have a gig at The Avalon tomorrow night. I don’t know if that’s against shrink and client confidentiality, but it’s a public place and it should be pretty epic.” I tell him, pulling my bag off the floor.

 

“Maybe I’ll run into you there.” he fist bumps me as his way of saying he’ll probably stop by.

 

\---

 

It’s the night of the show and the guys and I are at our wits end with this shit. Everything is set up, but I still feel like something’s missing. I cough into my shirt and clear my throat, trying to get my jitters to subside as a hand claps on my shoulder.

 

“Ayeeeeee fuck! First show in a while mate!” Niall exclaims, his stupid accent loud in my ears.

 

“Yeah man, Alexa coming tonight?” I ask, knowing they’ve been in a weird place since the party last weekend. Niall shakes his head and I know not to press it.

 

“Hey, Z told me that you invited Louis...ehhhhh?” he smiles and punches my shoulder, his eyebrows wagging suggestively.

 

I laugh and shake my head. “Yeah man, we’ll see if he managed to come out in the past two days. Otherwise none of that shit is happening with prep school.” I peek my head out the curtain and look at the crowd, trying to read them. I spot JR in the back and it takes everything inside of me not to cackle. He looks awkward as fuck around all of my tattooed friends, with his blazer and hair neatly done. My eyes scan the room and I spot Louis - and Eleanor, standing off to the side by a table.

 

“Scratch that mate, the idiot brought his beard to a gay club.” I shake my head and run my hand over my face. Niall and I wait for Zayn before the lights dim and we’re able to start our set. Our band is pop-punk for the most part, with some fucking good lyrics if I do say so myself. We do a few original songs before we get requests. Someone shouts out one of my favorite The 1975 songs, and I can feel a genuine smile coming across my face. This should be interesting.

 

Niall doesn’t miss a beat, coming in quickly on the guitar, the vocals starting soon after.

 

“And this is how it starts…” I sing as Zayn comes in on the drums, the music pumping through me. I spot Louis tapping his foot to the beat and decide to make him squirm.

 

“Take your shoes off in the back of my van,

My shirt looks so good,

When it's just hanging off your back…”

 

With the last verse I nod to Louis, and swipe my tongue over my lips before continuing the song. I change up the lyrics a bit for the crowd, but keep my eyes glued on Louis who looks like he’s going to have a heart attack right there.

 

“And he said use your hands and my spare time

We've got one thing in common it's this tongue of mine

He said he's got a boyfriend anyway…”

 

The guys and I continue with the song, the crowd is pumped and dancing with one another as I sing, my voice getting huskier as the song continues. By the time we finish I’m sweaty from jumping around, dragging the back of my hand across my forehead.

 

“Looks like it’s break time, be back in 15” I say into the mic as the lights dim and we all walk off stage to mingle with our friends. I tell the boys I’ll be back, and go find JR.

 

He looks pleasantly surprised as I approach him, his smile is practically beaming from ear to ear. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so pleased before.

 

“Wow, Harry. That was amazing.” he breathes, taking a sip of what I can only assume is sprite, by the looks of it.

 

“Thanks, Jackman!” I hit him on the shoulder, and let out a laugh at his surprised expression. “So have you found yourself a one night stand yet?” I look around the room and back to him, of course shaking his head.

 

“What are you suddenly a matchmaker?” he asks, and I can’t say I’m not surprised by his response. Before I can say anything, JR nods behind me and tells me I have an adoring fan. I turn around and see Louis standing there, separated from Eleanor  and clearly waiting for me.

 

“Ah, hey Harry…” he trails off, his voice smiles as he looks at me and JR, knowing he’s interrupted a conversation.

 

“Hey, prep school.” I greet him, and can feel JR move behind me. He knows basically everything I know about Harry, especially about my nickname for him.

 

“I uh..”

 

“Louis, this is JR...or Jackson...Jackman….whatever, JR this is Lou.” I move my hands between them and they shake, Louis giving JR what can only be described as an intimidated smile. They exchange a few pleasantries before the conversation is silent and both of them are looking at me.

 

“Ah right, JR good luck tonight. I’ll come by after the hospital next week.” I tell him with a slap on the back, grabbing Louis’ arm and dragging him a few feet away over towards the bar.

 

\---

 

**[Louis’ POV]**

 

I can tell I’ve interrupted a conversation and now I feel like an idiot. This guy is probably Harry’s boyfriend or something, and now I’ve gone and made a fool of myself. “Hey I uh...sorry for interrupting.” I finally say to him, my eyes focused on his lips for half a second too long.

 

“No worries, preppy, JR needs to get out of here anyway.” I glance behind me and see him chatting up a tall blonde, not at all the type I think he would go for.

 

“Are you ok?” I suddenly ask, remembering that the other guy mentioned something about a hospital.

 

Harry looks me up and down, his brows furrowing when he passes over my face. “Yeah, fine...why?” he looks confused as well as irritated.

 

“Well he just said that you were going to the hospital.” I can’t find my way around Harry, and I don’t get if he hates me or is just an angry person.

 

He lets out a light laugh. “Oh nah, I intern there on the Pediatric Oncology floor. That’s why…” his phone buzzes and he picks it up, laughs, and shakes his head. “Yeah so why did you want to talk to me?” he asks. “That’s why you’re here right?”

 

Harry’s voice is scruffy and lovely when he sings, and I’m still in shock that he’s actually holding a halfway decent conversation with me. “Yeah, I….I….what happened last weekend?” I finally sputter.

 

With a shake of his head, Harry puts both his hands on my shoulders and I can’t help but tense up. “Listen, Louis, nothing happened between us if that’s what you’re wondering.” he pauses, leaning in closer. “I don’t make a habit of sleeping with guys who can’t say their own name...or ones that upchuck all over my boots.” he pauses, his thumb and forefinger grasping the fabric of my shirt. A broad smile comes across his face. “Or, apparently ones who steal my clothes.” he arches a brow and pulls his head and hands away from me.

  
“I also...uh…” I sputter. Harry seems to take all my words out of my mouth. Before I have the chance to speak, Zayn is up on the mic saying the band will be back on in five minutes. “Whatever it is, find me later.” he smiles before leaning in close to me, his breath hot against my ear when he speaks. “See you around, preppy.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It hurts me to post this chapter, but I swear it's not as dismal as it seems <3

**[Harry’s POV]**

 

The guys and I finish up our show, with rave reviews from most of the people we pass as we exit the stage. None of us expect to get anywhere big, but damn it feels good for our music to be appreciated. I look around for Louis but don’t spot him anywhere, and figure it’s probably best that he just stays the hell away. I’m lost in my thoughts about Louis and his ass when I feel a tap on my shoulder.

“Styles” JR starts, his smile still playing on the corner of his lips. “I have to take off as I think I’ve violated a lot of ethical codes tonight, but I’ll see you next week, yeah?” he asks. I nod my head and bump his fist before he takes off, making sure to tell me to be careful with Louis before he leaves.

“Ah fuck off, JR!” I shout after him, my laugh ringing loud in my own ears before my text tone distracts me.

Louis: _Hey, I had to take Eleanor home, but can we still talk later?_

_What is it preppy?_

Louis: _I swear I didn’t know you interned at the hospital before I interviewed there_

Oh Christ, is he really telling me what I think he is?

_What are you trying to say? Out with it._ I tap on the screen, glancing around for Zayn and Niall.

Louis: _I start Monday on the adult psych unit. Just being an assistant, that’s all._

_Maybe I’ll see you around preppy. Don’t forget about your test next week ;)_

I slip my phone in my pocket and spend the rest of the night dancing and partying with my best friends. A few guys strike my fancy, but none that I want to invest flirting time in. They all look like recently outed gays anyway - and I’m trying to avoid extra fresh meat.

\---

The next few weeks fly by with all the work I have to do, and Professor Holmes taking over for every other week of lecture. I grade papers, tests, and meet with students on a regular basis to discuss their grades and what they can do to bring them up. I swear all of these freshmen are anal retentive about each point off they receive. I haven’t had sex since before the international student banquet, and I can’t help but think that a certain Brit has something to do with that.

“Fuccccck” I groan into my books as I sit in the main room of the apartment.

“Yeah you need to” Zayn chimes in, sitting in his favorite chair.

“Professor fucking Holmes wants the TA’s to tutor every fucking student who got lower than a C on the last exam.” I look at the list of names in the email that he’s sent to myself and the three other psych TA’s.

“Could be worse, mate. I mean not much since you haven’t had sex in forever…” he laughs and I glare at him, scanning the list before my name falls on a familiar one.

“It got worse - I have to tutor prep school.” I tell him, my head in my hands.

“Why don’t you just fuck him already and get it over with?” Zayn asks, tapping vigorously on his phone screen.

I let out a sigh as I send a group e-mail to the people I’ve been assigned. “I’ve already told you. I’m not trying to fuck around with the freshly out of the closet boys. Even if they have an ass for days.” I smile over at him, shaking my head at my own ridiculousness.

“So let me get this straight.” Zayn laughs at the irony of his words. “You don’t really want to sleep with anyone else, but you’re certainly not going to fuck Louis? That makes no sense, mate!”

It’s really stupid, I’m well aware. I need to do something else to get my mind off of Louis and everything else in my life. I’ve spent a lot of time at the hospital and the restaurant. What spare time I do have is spent practicing with the guys and writing some new shit. It’s Friday night and I don’t have anything major to do this weekend. “I’m gonna go out for a bit, I’ll be back.” I leave my shit on the table, grabbing my wallet and keys before I head out.

I don’t know where I’m going but I find myself heading toward the hospital and parking in the volunteer space. I walk inside and wave to Carla at the information desk - she’s known me since I started here, and doesn’t check to see what I’m doing.

“Keeeeevin!” I nearly shout, walking into my favorite little client’s room. He looks surprised to see me, and I can tell he’s not feeling to well.

“Harry!” he shouts, his arms reaching out for me as I squeeze him tightly, careful to avoid any cords that are so carefully attached to him.

“What are you doing big man? Where are the parents?” I ask him, noticing that his mom’s purse has been left in the room, but no sign of either parent is there.

He coughs and sputters a moment, but looks up at me with tired eyes. “They went to get me pudding.” He manages a weak smile and I rub the top of his head.

“You look tired, superman - I’ll let you sleep.” I tell him, taking a few steps away.

“Harry?” he asks, and I turn around. “Can I have another?” he asks, and I can’t help but smile at him - taking him into my arms again and squeezing tight.

\---

**[Louis’ POV]**

It’s my third week at the hospital and I know I’ve got too much on my plate. My straight A’s are faltering, especially in my psych class, and I can feel myself becoming anxiety-ridden. The hospital is a good experience, but I think I may have to put it off until next semester. After the e-mail about meeting with Harry for tutoring was sent out, that’s all I’ve been able to think about. It’s nearly 4 PM on my day here, and I haven’t done anything but wonder what tutoring with the tattooed boy is going to be like. He seems to like me sometimes, but his mood changes so often I can’t keep up.

I walk downstairs to the Pediatric Oncology unit, hoping to find Harry and put my mind at ease about the tutoring issue. I need to hammer this out with him to make it do-able and not the most terrible experience that I’m worried it will be. Just as I step on the floor, I catch sight of the tall boy heading into a patient's room. It doesn’t look like he’s dressed for an internship, but I peek around the corner, into the room he went into.

I take a few minutes and watch Harry interact with the young child. He seems to know him fairly well, and even though I can’t hear what they’re saying, I can tell the child is in a good mood after seeing him. Harry turns to leave and I flinch, but he’s drawn back into the child for another ten minutes afterward. My phone chimes and I look down quickly, hoping no one heard. While I’m texting Liam back, a voice shocks me back into the present.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Harry asks in his throaty voice, brow arched in curiosity as he looks at me.

“I was...uh…” I glance down at my phone before shoving it into my pocket. “I was looking for you actually.” I’m oddly aware of my own self at this moment, with his eyes digging into me, silently judging my outfit I’m sure.

“Why?” A simple question, but one with much more meaning from Harry.

“I wanted to talk about the tutoring. When we should meet, I mean, tonight works.” I try to explain about how busy my schedule is, but he immediately cuts me off.

“I have shit to do. It’s a fucking Saturday. I can meet you tomorrow at like...three if you want.” he offers, and I can’t help but to accept. “Bring your books and something to write with.” he finishes, turning on his heel to leave.

“Harry, wait! Where are we meeting?” I ask, rocking back on my heels.

He seems distracted by something, an alarm going off on his phone. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll come pick you up and we’ll figure it out.” he offers before leaving in the opposite direction, heading toward what I think is the Adult Oncology Floor, right next to pediatrics.

I shrug and reply to Liam asking me what I’m doing tonight. We plan on having a night to stay in and study while Netflix plays in the background.

\---

**[Harry’s POV]**

As much as I would love to keep looking at Louis’ face, I’m suddenly pushed back into reality by my phone alarm, alerting me to go to my appointment down the hall. Fuck. Louis can’t know anything more about my fucking life. I tell him that I’ll pick him up tomorrow, and head in the opposite direction, our eyes meeting briefly before I leave. I shoot a text to JR on my way down the hallway.

I have a feeling I might have to meet tomorrow. I send, my nerves jumping in my throat as I sign my name in to meet with Dr. Daugherty. I’ve only met the guy a few times, and he seems nice enough, but he continues to harass me to come back and meet with him.

“Harry?” A nurse in gross yellow scrubs calls into the waiting room. I look up from my phone and lock eyes with her, and immediately regret it. She looks like a sad woman, and I can’t help but thinking that working here has made her that way. I stand up and am in front of her in a few short strides, and she leads me back into the maze of rooms. She takes my height and weight, scribbles on her paper, and informs me Dr. Daugherty will be back momentarily.

I had cancer as a child, and due to that my mom makes me come back every year to check in and see if my body is trying to kill me or not. I’ve been in remission since I was 14, but my darling mother is still anal retentive about my health. I continue to exchange texts with JR, explaining why I might need to meet, and asking if he can adjust his schedule.

JR: _Anything you need - just let me know when._

Its the last text I read before the knock on the door startles me back into reality.

Dr. D and I go through the normal conversation of how I’m doing and if anything has changed since the last time I saw him. He sits down on his spinny chair across from me, his hands drawn together as he speaks.

“I know the last time we met I asked you about general health, and made a note that you told me about fatigue, general tiredness, dizziness -”

“It’s just from classes” I cut him off, not wanting to hear anything else. “I’m fine, really.” I explain, but he holds up a hand, quieting me down.

“I’m glad you finally went to the blood and marrow test last week” he paused, pulling out an image. “And your CT.” he finished, pressing the light up on the screen and displaying two photos. The rest of our conversation is a blur, as I’m fairly certain I know what’s next. Dr. D explains the differences between the two images, the healthy chest Xray and my own. He goes through the cancer spiel of what to do next and what this means for me.

“How the fuck is it back?” I ask, my hands running through my hair. “How the hell do you go from fucking childhood cancer, to being a fucking adult and still dealing with this shit?” I’m almost yelling at this point, and Dr. Daugherty sits down again.

“Harry, we can treat this. You know as well as anyone that people can fight through this. You see it in those kids every day.” he explains to me what needs to happen, and how aggressive the Lukemia is. “I already touched base with your insurance and they’ve authorized you to start chemo and radiation as soon as possible.” he tells me, and my mind instantly runs to my mother - and how I hadn’t told her about any of my strange feelings.

I think a part of me knew the Lukemia was back, but I didn’t want to believe it until I absolutely had to.

“Can I just fucking start today?” I hear myself ask, looking down at my hands I can feel the bile rising in my throat. Treatment for cancer is not something I wanted to go through again, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Dr. Daugherty pages the nurse and asks about room down the hall that patients receive treatment in. He informs me that there’s room open, and we can start the regimen today.

“You’ll need someone to take you home, Harry. At least at first.” he tells me, and I immediately groan at the concept of telling anyone what’s going on with me. I pull out my phone and shoot a text to Zayn.

_What are you doing tonight?_

Zayn: _Having a maddddd party. What’s up?_

_Would you be able to pick me up from UC Medical later?_

Zayn: _Sure man, everything ok?_

_I’ll explain later. I should be ready around 6._

Zayn: _Swaaaank, see you then._

I slip my phone back in my pocket and nod to Dr. Daughery, a silent message that I’ve figured it out. He says goodbye to me and has the nurse lead me down the hall to a room full of recliners and heavy cancer drugs.

\---

  
  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**[Louis’ POV]**

It’s Sunday and I can’t stop thinking how much of a fool I made of myself when I ran into Harry. I briefly talked to Liam afterwards about how I’m a mess around him, and Liam seemed to send me a knowing gaze. I don’t know what exactly is going on between everyone, but I really need this first semester to relax before I get into trouble with my grades. Speaking of grades, I haven’t heard from Harry and I have no idea when we’re meeting today. As if on cue, Louis’ phone started to ring, interrupting his thoughts.

“Hello?” I ask, knowing that Harry is on the other end.

“Hey, Louis...uh, I’ll be downstairs in 30 - does that work?” Harry’s voice sounds off somehow and I realize he’s calling me by my actual name.

“Yeah for sure, where are we going?”

“I’ll tell you when we get there.” he says before the click of the phone signals that he’s hung up.

Harry continues to be such a mystery to me, and I can’t help but feel infatuated with that. I’ve never met anyone that makes me so irritated and intrigued all at the same time. It’s like he just knows all of the buttons to push, and does it so well with that smirk on his face. I pull on a sweater and tell Liam I’m leaving for tutoring before walking down the back steps of the door. I’m only waiting a few minutes before Harry pulls up in a fancy black Range Rover. His head is covered by a grey beanie and he looks handsome, per usual. I open the door and get into the passenger side of the car, my face flushing when he calls me out for staring.

“It’s ok, preppy. I know I’m handsome.” he tells me, and there he is, back to calling me by nicknames.

I start to protest, but Harry cuts me off.

“Are you out to anyone?” he suddenly asks, and I can’t help but wonder if he’s told anyone else that he knows I’m gay.

“Uh….just, uh...just my sister.” I tell him, my gaze straight forward as he turns into a parking lot of a restaurant. “Are we having dinner or tutoring?” I ask him, distracted from his previous question.

“Both.” Harry tells me, pulling into a spot and putting his car in park. He unhooks his seatbelt and leans over to me. I can’t help but to think, maybe to hope he might kiss me in his car at that moment. Instead, he reaches down and grabs the bag that I didn’t notice on the floor. “I figure we both need to eat, and if you already think I’m a bastard - which I’m sure you do - you won’t like me when I’m hungry.” he steps out of the car and leaves me baffled.

“Who are you?” I ask, before realizing my words are out in the open.

“Harry Edward Styles, at your service.” Harry is by my door, holding it open for me as I step out. “Can’t be a proper date without me at least pretending to be a gentleman.” he states, shutting the door behind me and leading me into the restaurant

After we sit down, I realize this place is not at all somewhere where two people go to study. I have a strong feeling that Harry is trying to make this into something it definitely isn’t, and shouldn’t be.

**[Harry’s POV]**

I can see the confusion, irritation, and finally realization growing in Louis’ eyes as he sits across from me, the white linen tablecloth between us. I don’t tell him specifically that we’re on a date, but I also don’t say we’re not. I smile across the table to him and send him a wink, just to see how flustered he actually gets. Louis’ catches it and looks back down at the menu.

I want to ask him so many questions about who he is and what he likes, but the only thing I can think about is his lips and the way his tongue moves across them when he gets nervous. Jesus Christ, why is he so attractive, but so closeted?

“So how’s the hospital been?” I ask, which launches Louis into a long-ass conversation about what he wants to do with his life, how wonderful everyone at UC Medical has been, and how hes become more interested in all things psychology. He explains to me that he definitely wants to practice in the hospital setting, and would even more like to work in oncology after his stint on the adult unit. I silently thank God, or whatever majestic being lives in the clouds that he just finished his rotation.

Louis isn’t terrible to talk to after all, and I’m irritated with myself that I didn’t try to sneakily go on a date with him in the past. I eventually bring out my psych shit to at least pretend that we’re going to learn something. I eye Max, my manager of the restaurant, peeking out from behind the bar. I can feel him smirking at my date from a mile away, but I keep my focus on Louis.

We talk for what seems like hours, and I finally get the bill that has a nice discount due to me being the best server there. I give the waiter my card and he comes back a few minutes later, sending Louis and I off for the rest of the night. I open Louis’ car door for him and on the way around the back for the Range Rover I start to feel sick. I know this is a side effect of all of the drugs pumping through my veins yesterday, but I can’t help but feel like this is a thousand times worse than it was when I was a kid.

“Fucking hell.” I upchuck behind the car and wipe my mouth with the back of my sleeve, my legs feeling shaky and weak.

I hear the car door close and immediately know that Louis is standing in front of me, the contents of my dinner spilled behind my car.

“Harry, are you ok?” he asks, his hand on my back as I throw up again.

“I’m fine.” I lie, standing up and feeling dizzy again.

“Do you need me to drive?” He asks, and I start to protest, but know I’m in no shape to do anything except curl up in a ball.

Without another word I hand him my keys and go around to the passenger door. I get inside and strap myself in before pulling out my phone, sending a few quick texts.

Louis and I are quiet on the drive back, I puke once more out the window of the car, and make a mental note to treat myself to a car wash when this shit is over.

“Is it something you ate?” he asks quietly, and I can tell he’s nervous. For a second I wonder if he even knows how to drive in the US, but wave away the thought because I couldn’t care any less.

“Probably.” I mumble, getting out of the car as he pulls into the largest possible spot in front of my building.

I have trouble walking up the steps and Louis slings his arm around my midsection, helping me up the steps as Zayn opens the front door.

“Christ, man” Zayn looks down at me and I must look like shit, because there’s worry etched all over his face. Louis transfers me over to Zayn and I can’t bear to look over at him. I’m embarrassed and fucking irritated that the night went that way. I was hoping for at least a little more of a chance to impress Louis.

“Hey thanks for bringing him. I’m sure it’s just a bug or something.” I hear Zayn tell Louis unconvincingly. Louis says something inaudible and I can hear Zayn’s murmur of agreement before I move myself out from under him.

“Hey Lou, uh...same time next week?” I ask him, and he nods simply.

**[Louis’ POV]**

A few weeks go by and Harry and I meet at the same time at the restaurant that I learn he works at. We get to know each other and his hard exterior begins to chip away. I start to notice that he merely picks at food during our time together, and gets most of it to go. He remains quite mysterious despite all the time we’ve been spending together, but I shove it to the side, wanting to spend as much time with him as I can without coming off as too needy.

“I can’t meet up next week, unless you want to reschedule.” he finally says, his tired green eyes focusing on my face.

“Oh, ok..” I trail off, trying to pretend not to be as disappointed as I actually am.

Harry laughs and reaches out to touch my hand, bringing me back to the present. It’s the first time he’s ever touched me outside of a friendly hug here or there. “I have to be up at the hospital, I made a promise to Superman.” he says, and surely he’s lost his mind.

“Superman?” I ask, brows arched in curiosity as I lace my fingers together and lean my chin on them.

“So….I know we’re not supposed to have favorites with clients, but Kevin is an exception.” Harry tells me about a client of his on the ward who is having a birthday this weekend and wanted to see Harry and the band perform.

I can’t help but get a warm feeling in my stomach, one that won’t go away after Harry tells me how sweet he’s being toward this kid. I shake my head and pay attention to his story, making a note to find a reason to be at UC Medical on Saturday.

**[Harry’s POV]**

Louis and I finish up our tutoring session, spending probably only about twenty minutes on course material before we get in the car and I drive him back to the dorms. It’s already October so of course he’s dressed in an adorable jumper and skinny jeans that hit just above his ankle. I’ve laid decent ground work for weeks without actually asking him out, but I like how things have been going. It’s not complicated, sappy, but I’m definitely not getting anything more than his friendship out of this.

I pull up behind his building as I always do, and put the car in park. “Listen, Louis” I start, and realize it’s the first time I’ve actually wanted to date someone instead fucking around with them.

He turns to face me, his expression expectant. His blue eyes are shining with a glow that I can’t imagine anyone else can possess. I take my chances and unbuckle my seatbelt, leaning over the center console of my car. My eyes find his lips and I look up to him, our gaze’s connecting. As if I’m silently asking for permission, his gaze doesn’t falter as I descend upon those lips I’ve wanted to feel since I met him.

My hand moves awkwardly around his head, fingers finding their way into his soft brown hair. I can feel him tense, then loosen up under my kiss. He’s leaning into it, and a silent cheer echoes in my brain as I separate from him. I don’t want to startle him by being to forward, as it is our first kiss after all. He looks shocked, but also content. A light pink hue has risen to his cheeks, and I can’t help but smile at it.

“Thanks for um...the tutoring, Harry.” he says quietly, reaching for the door handle and letting himself out. I watch as he leaves, half expecting him to turn around, but he doesn’t.

Back at the apartment Zayn has let loose after I told him what happened. He calls me a number of names, but most of all insists that I’ve lost my bad boy image.

“Ayyyyye!” he shouts, clapping Niall on the shoulder as he yells. “Our boy Harry has a crush on a twinky little guy, and he’s being all nice and sappy about it.” Zayn waggles his eyebrows as Niall laughs, the booming noise echoing throughout the apartment.

“So we’re doing this little show for the kiddies on Sunday, eh?” Niall asks, bringing out his guitar and playing a few chords. “Don’t think we can play our usual stuff for 7 year olds…” he trails off, eyes wandering over to Zayn.

“Nah mate, we have some songs that’ll work. Not like we have to play a whole set.” Zayn tells him, nodding over to me for approval.

“Yeah whatever we play’ll be fine.” I tell them, taking my beanie off and running a hand through my thinning hair. I can’t help but shudder when I see several strands of hair come off on my hand. “Fucks sake.” I mutter, grabbing my phone from the coffee table to send a text.

_Meet soon. Lot’s to tell you and fucking irritable._

A few moments later my phone dings, and I look down, expecting a text from JR, but seeing something entirely different.

Louis: _Thanks for today, I had a good time._

A smile comes across my face and I’m excited to think that Louis might actually be interested in going out with me on an actual date. I show the text to the boys and they both giggle with delight, Zayn making sexual noises as I text back.

_Wouldn’t mind doing it again some time. Can I take you on a real date - maybe Saturday after the show?_

I send the text and hold my breath, my phone buzzing again, this time it’s not who I want to hear from.

JR: _Tomorrow after classes work for you?_

I text back an affirmative and set my phone down, wondering what’s taking Louis so long to fucking answer my question.

“Hey Harry” Niall starts, sitting down next to me on the couch. “I know you told us you haven’t been feeling well, but uh….what’s actually going on?” he asks. I know he’s not stupid and he’s noticed a lot of changes in me, but I can’t tell him - not yet anyway. Zayn already knows before my mom, and I can’t help but already feel guilty about that.

“I’m fine mate, just under the weather is all.” I venture a smile in his direction, and I’m saved by the bell - my phone.

Louis: _Yeah, I’d like that :)_

  
“HELL YEAH MATE!” Zayn shouts, drilling out my eardrums and thankfully making Niall forget all about his previous question.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Thanks to the over 200 hits this story has - I know it's small and building up, but I hope this chapter gives you a bit more of what you were looking for :)

 

**[Harry's POV]**

In therapy, JR and I are having our usual spat about what it means to be sick and how to handle everyone else in your life. I’m insistent that very few people need to know about my diagnoses, and I want to keep it that way as long as possible. JR thinks that the more people I have close to me, the more supported I will feel, and my prognosis will get better.

“Dude, the only people that need to know right now are Zayn and Niall - they’ve been helping me out plenty.” I explain to him how the band mates are my best friends, and we know pretty much everything about one another.

“What about your mother?” he asks. “You told me you were going to tell her after our last meeting.” he folds his arms across his chest, and I know what he’s getting at. I haven’t called her yet and it’s already been about a month since my diagnosis.

I don’t want to tell my mom anything upsetting. With my sister and I both gone, she’s all by herself in dreary old England. I know how much my illness hurt her both psychologically and financially - and I have no desire to do that to her again.

“You don’t understand, JR. As much as I’m an asshole to everyone else, I’m nothing but an angel to my mother. She doesn’t know about the drugs or anything, and she can know about the cancer when it’s fucking gone….” I trail off, knowing that as the words leave my mouth I’m wrong for hiding it from her. We’re silent for a few moments as I look down at my hands, tapping them on my knees.

“It’s ok to be scared.” He finally says, breaking the silence between us. I glance up and see that he’s a few inches closer, leaning forward in his chair with his chin resting on his hands. “It’s ok to need help.” he adds.

“Christ, do you just want to call her?” I ask, fishing my phone out of my pocket to check the time. I came directly after my 10 AM class, and have been here for a bit. It’s 6 PM in England and I know my mum is probably sitting down with a cuppa and relaxing after a long day at work. The last thing she wants to hear is about me and my problems.

“That’s up to you, Harry. If you want to call her now, I can support you.”

My mind is a whirlwind of feelings. JR and I have been through it all today. We talked about my lack of sex life, Louis, what I’m doing with him, and the diagnosis. I think we’re both overwhelmed by everything going on in my life, and I can only imagine how JR has to relax when he gets home from sessions with me.

“I’ll put her on speakerphone.” I finally say after typing in her number, pulling up her ‘Mummy’ name on the screen with a flower emoji next to it. My mum thought she was hilarious when she added that a few years ago, but I never changed it because it really does remind me of how lovely she is.

The phone rings twice before her familiar voice floats into the air.

“Hello?” she asks, her voice bright and cheery.

I run a hand over my head and glance up to JR, silently pleading with him.

“Hey mum” I say quietly, my eyes focused back down on the phone.

“Harry! How are you, love? I’ve missed hearing from you - you know Gem has tried to call you a number of times but she says you’re too busy being a perfect student and rockstar!” I can hear the chime of my mother’s laughter, and Gemma speaking to her in the background. She must be home for the weekend.

“Ah yeah, sorry mum.” I take a long pause and hold the phone toward JR, wondering if he can help me out with something. He silently shakes his head and nods toward the phone, encouraging me to continue speaking with her.

“So mum, you know how I told you a while ago I was seeing a therapist?”

“Yes darling, you seem to really like this Jackie person, no?” she asks, and I can’t help but laugh at the new nickname she’s given me.

“Jackson, yeah. He’s an alright guy. Listen, he’s here with me because I asked him to help me out with something….” I can feel the breath hitch in my throat, and the redness begin to creep up my neck. I don’t know if I can go through with this.

“What’s wrong, dear? You sound far away.”

I can’t help but remember the last time we had a conversation like this I was coming out to her. She was the perfect mum about it, of course, but this is a whole different beast. It seems like right now my heart is going to beat out of my chest, and if I start to speak I don’t know how I’ll finish my sentence. I can feel JR’s hand reach out and touch my shoulder before he moves next to me on the couch. I know he has strict client touching rules, but sitting next to me I immediately feel comforted.

“I went to check in with Dr. D over at UC Medical like I always do, and see, I’ve been putting off getting a few tests done because in my mind I knew the results and what that would mean and I didn’t want to stress anyone out - least of all you and Gem - and mum I don’t know, I don’t know….I don’t know if I can do it again, I don’t.”

There’s a silence that follows on the other end of the line, the laughter in the background has disappeared. I can hear my mother breathing in long drawn out breaths, as JR puts his arm around me and squeezes my shoulder lightly. “It’s ok” I hear him whisper.

“Harry, love...are you saying the cancer’s back?”

“Yes.” I choke out my response, breath getting caught in my throat as I stifle back a sob. I can’t help but think that now that I said it, that it’s out in the open to my mom, that now the diagnosis is truly real. I hadn’t been too concerned about it, hadn’t cared - not until it affected the person I love most in the world. I can’t speak, but feel JR take the phone from my hand. He turns off speaker phone and I can hear his side of the conversation.

“Yes, Anne...just a few weeks ago.” I hear him say.

“Of course, he’s been doing chemo and radiation for about a month now.” he adds

“Shaken up, but okay - he will be, yes.” I feel JR sit next to me again. He asks me if I want him to leave while I talk to my mum, but I need him to stay. I need someone to keep me grounded and not as if I’m going to float away.

My mum and I talk for another hour or so, and I divulge information to her that she didn’’t previously know about. By the time I process the information with JR and talk to him about the next week of my life, it’s nearly 4 PM. We say our goodbyes and I make my way back to my apartment, wondering just where this life is going to lead me.

 

**[Louis’ POV]**

It’s Saturday afternoon and the show for Kevin’s birthday is taking place at the hospital. I’ve been told by some nurses that it’s in the large multi purpose room next to the cafeteria. I didn’t realize until speaking with the front desk lady that Harry is very well known and popular around the hospital. She tells me that I look like a nice boy, and she hopes to see more of me around after tonight.

I wander down to the lowest floor of the hospital, briefly wondering how loud this production is going to be before I hear it - Harry’s voice booming over a speaker system. He’s singing some random pop song and I can’t help but smile at the silly lyrics, knowing he’s doing the same while he sings to Kevin.

Pushing the doors open, I’m met with a flood of small children, all from the pediatric oncology unit by the looks of them. Bald and capped little girls and boys in chairs, wheelchairs, rolling hospital beds and all. Their families are close by, though it seems the kids are getting along well without them. Instead of drugs they’re being pumped full of sugar in the form of cakes, candy, and ice cream. It seems that Kevin’s parent’s went all out for his big day.

“Ayeee!” I hear Harry yell over the microphone. “It’s time for the biggest song of all!” he shouts, glancing around the room before his eyes land of me. I give him a small wave and I think I see a genuine smile come across his face before he looks back at Kevin. Harry starts the first few notes of Happy Birthday before the rest of the room joins in.

 

**[Harry’s POV]**

 

The birthday party is a success by any means, but looking at all the faces of the children let’s me know that it’s been wonderful for them. All of Kevin’s friends are smiling and happy, those that can are running about the room with balloons and silly string. Kevin’s mom takes a moment to pull me aside after our small show, enveloping me in a hug.

“Oh Harry, that was wonderful.” She breathes into my shoulder, her hug tight as if she’s holding on for her life.

“Anytime, Ms. Fitz” I tell her, returning the hug with an equal amount of pressure.

She pulls away from me and I can tell that her eyes are glossy. She looks me up and down and smiles. “Oh call me Sandy, please Harry. You may be covered in tattoos and cuss like a sailor, but God if my son grows up to be anything like you, I’ll consider myself the luckiest mom on the planet.” she tells me, giving me another toothy grin before pulling me close and whispering in my ear. Before I have the chance to say anything, I see Louis, Zayn, and Niall in my peripheral and if possible, Ms.Ftiz’s smile grows, as if she knows something.

“Ayeeee look who we found mate!” Zayn slaps my shoulder as Niall pulls Louis in front of me. They’re clearly getting along well with Niall’s arm slung around Louis’ shoulder - Louis looking completely lost.

“I haven’t seen this bloke since he threw up all over my room, eh Lou?” he nudges Louis and I can see a hint of a smile growing on his face.

“Well you don’t get to go to tutoring every week with Harry, otherwise you’d see Louis over here all the time.” Zayn adds with a laugh.

“All right, all right, leave prep school alone.” I sigh and roll my eyes. “I think he’s had enough of your hazing for one day.”

“Told you he’s gone soft, Ni.” Zayn shakes his head as Niall pulls Louis closer.

“This party is great, Harry, you really outdid yourself.” Niall says, and I  would slap him if there weren’t a million kids running around.

“I mean, how much was all of this? I know you work a lot but…” Niall trailed off, seeing the look on my face.

“Time to clean up Ni.” Zayn reads my face and pulls Niall away from the group, dropping his arm from Louis’ shoulders.

Louis shuffles a bit closer to me, his eyes wandering about the room before they land on my face. I can tell he’s looking at my lips before he meets my gaze. I can’t help but be fixed on his own when he looks up at me.

“You did all of this?” he breathes, his voice barely above a whisper.

“It’s nothing really, his parents are really struggling so I put a few favors together.” I brush it off, smiling awkwardly before I feel a tug at my side. Thank God for Kevin and his ability to interrupt at the perfect timing.

“Harryyyy!” his singsong voice floats up to my ears. I squat down to get on his level and he looks up and over toward Louis, then back to me. He has a smile on his face that grows deeper by the second.

“Who’s that?” he asks, blatantly pointing up to Louis. I love how bold children can be without getting the shit kicked out of them.

“That there is Louis. He’s a friend of mine and he’s here to help celebrate your birthday.” I tell him, grinning up at Louis from our low vantage point.

“He looks pretty.” Kevin says.

I laugh and nod my head. “He certainly is.”

“Hi, Superman.” Louis voice interrupts the plethora of thoughts running through my head, squatting down next to us.

“Hi” he says quietly.

“Are you having a good party so far?” Louis asks, and he appears to be genuinely interested.

“Yesssss, but Harry isn’t going to stay much longer.” he says, his lips forming into a pout as he glances up toward me. I told him earlier that I could only stay until this evening, but then I had to go get ready for a date with someone. Kevin didn’t take that well, as his birthday should be an all day affair.

 

**[Louis’ POV]**

 

“Why’s that?” I ask, venturing a quick glance over to Harry. I feel like my blood has been boiling since I laid my eyes on him, and now with him sitting in front of me, I feel like I can barely breathe. His chest is exposed to show his tattoos, and a long necklace hangs on a silver chain, falling just above the moth on his torso. I briefly wonder what he would look like shirtless, before I’m brought back to reality by Kevin.

“I want to play games in my room with Harry and his date, but he said nooooo. He said that he has plans and they don’t involve checkers or other board games I have.” Kevin’s pout grows deeper as a redness rises up to Harry’s cheeks.

“Well what if I told you that I was Harry’s date, and I think we would love to play games with you after your party - at least for a bit.” I arch a brow at Harry who smiles but rolls his eyes.

“WHAT? Really? You can stay!?” he asks, immediately bringing me into one of the best hugs I’ve ever received. Kevin pulls me in close and doesn’t let go. While we’re mid-embrace, Zayn comes up to ask Harry for some help with the equipment. I decide to keep Kevin company, as he seems like a really interesting kid.

“So you look like an angel.” he starts, and I can’t help but laugh.

“I’m not an angel.” I tell him, shaking my head.

Kevin lays his arms across his chest and I can’t help but to think how he’s emulating Harry in that moment. “I think you are - you’re Harry’s guardian angel!” he proclaims, his voice rising up as he speaks.

“Harry doesn’t need one of those.” I tell him pointedly, helping him back into his wheelchair so we can head upstairs.

“He does - he’s crazy! Harry said I can shave his head soon! Just me! Cut it allllll by myself!” Kevin smiles and I can’t help but to think he’s made up some scenario in which Harry wouldn’t want all of his hair.

“I would pay to see a bald Harry.” I smile, and Kevin laughs with me.

 

**[Harry’s POV]**

 

Kevin, Louis, and I have been playing Uno for what feels like an eternity. In actuality we’ve probably only been playing for an hour, but this isn’t the perfect date I had in mind for Louis. I had every intention of showing him how non-asshole I can be, and how much of a gentleman I am….sometimes. Kevin loves the attention of having a new friend and learning that Louis was my date. He’s absolutely enthralled with the idea of us being a couple, and has fondly been referring to the two of us as Larry for about ten minutes before my phone rings.

“Hey guys. I have to take this, I’ll be right back.”

I step out of the room and slide the answer button across my screen. “Mum?” I ask “Is everything ok? It’s nearly two in the morning there” I tell her, wondering what’s going on.

I hear her breathe a sigh of relief. “Oh Harry, I was just wanting to make sure you were ok - I couldn’t sleep.” She asks about my day and about what’s been going on with me, though I have no new health information to tell her about. I talk to her for a few minutes before telling her I’m still with Kevin and Louis and need to get back.

“I want to meet this Louis when I’m in town, love.” she says, and I can hear a hint of a smile on her lips.

“Mum, it’s nothing - we’re just friends.” I explain to her more about him before hanging up the phone with a sigh. I can’t believe we just talked about him when he’s in the next room - not something I would likely do with anyone else.

The rest of the evening goes by in a blur. Louis and Kevin are having a wonderful time together, and I catch myself enthralled by Louis’ laughter a number of times throughout the night. He’s so good with Kevin and keeping him happy, and it’s not until the nurses come by that I realize visiting hours have been over for about an hour now.

“Sorry Harry, we’ll get in trouble.” One of the peds nurses tells me, stating that after ten barely family members are allowed upstairs. “We all know how much you and Kevin love one another.” she adds, pulling the blanket up to the now sleeping Kevin’s chin.

“Thanks Susan, see you next time.” I tell her, before instinctively grabbing Louis’ hand to lead him to the elevator. I don’t know why I did it, but Louis doesn’t pull away and this makes me happy. He squeezes my hand as we walk away from her, standing in silence for a few seconds before an empty elevator opens in front of us. We step inside and before the doors have the chance to close, my lips are on Louis’ once more.

I can’t help the way he makes me feel, and God if I didn’t have physical contact the rest of the night, I would have lost it. My lips are lost on his, my tongue darting out as if asking for permission. Louis opens his mouth to allow me entrance, our kiss deepening as his hands find their way into my messy head of hair. I hear him let out a small noise, and I can feel my smile spread across his lips.

“Louis” I breathe, separating from him momentarily to look into the vast blue of his eyes. He’s so fucking enthralling and sexy in this conservative sort of way - I can’t get enough. We’re in the elevator kissing for a few moments longer before the doors spring to life and we’re back on the first floor. I know Louis has taken the bus to UC Medical, so I don’t ask before dragging him out to the car park - passing the friendly desk attendant as we leave. She gives me knowing look before reminding me to be safe.

Louis and I barely get to the car before his lips are on mine once more, this time he was the instigator. I laugh deeply behind his kiss, gently pushing him off of me. “Lou” my voice is deep. “If we ever want to get home. I need you to not do that for the next seven minutes so I can drive.” He nods in acknowledgement and slips into the car next to me, silently wringing his fingers together. The drive drags on into eternity before we’re in front of my apartment.

We step inside and I barely have time to notice Niall and Zayn cuddling on the couch before I drag Louis upstairs. I make a mental note to remind myself to ask them what just happened before I shut the door behind the two of us.

“Louis.” I breathe again, my eyes all over him. His body, his hair, his face - he’s fucking perfect and I can’t help but drink him all in.

“Harry.” He says in response, his voice deeper than usual as he takes a step toward me.

I close the space between us, our lips touching once more in the safety of my room. I don’t know why Louis is finally letting this happen, but I can’t question it now. My hands move their way down his back, cupping his bum for a moment before I squeeze and let go. I can feel his heartbeat quicken under my touch, and I make a move to pull his jumper from over his head.

“The fuck is this thing?” I ask quickly, attempting to pull the fabric over his head. It’s stuck at the edge and I pull just a bit, causing it to fly across the room. I can’t help but laugh at the scenario before I’m silenced by Louis’ half naked form. He’s not ultra fit, but the body of that boy is being hidden under terrible clothes. He has a soft curve to his waist, his hips, and oh God I can’t even think about his ass unless I want to get into more trouble. He looks self concious, his arms wrapped around his midsection.

With one hand I take my own shirt off and toss him a smile. “We’re even now, no worries.” I say to him before beckoning him forward with my hands once more. We get lost in each other for nearly an hour, just kissing, touching as time wears on. I want to sleep with him - I want nothing more than to fuck his brains out - but I feel weak. Side effect of my fucking cancer - not being able to have sex when I absolutely want it.

I’m half heartedly sitting up in my bed after a long awaited snog with Louis when a buzz from my phone brings me back to reality.

_Keep it down up there - glad you’re finally getting laid ;)_

The text from Zayn reads. I smile and text back, my fingers moving expertly across the screen.

_No shag - he’s fast asleep._

_Zayn: Wow, you’re that boring Harold?_

I stifle back laughter before replying: _Shut up you douche, I saw you and Niall kissing - we have a lot to fucking talk about tomorrow._

I set my phone down and rush to pick it back up, realizing I have to meet with JR tomorrow after chemo.

_It’s been an awesome night, see you tomorrow after I do some legal drugs_

I set my phone off and drift off into what I hope will be a dreamless sleep. I feel Louis snuggle in tighter next to me with a soft sigh before falling asleep myself

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading!! :D

**[Harry’s POV]**

I wake up with the soft vibration of my phone on the wooden table next to my bed. I struggle to reach it, my fingers curling around the edges as I groggily turn off the alarm. Without opening my eyes I feel pinned down, and realize that a heavy head is glued to my chest. Louis. I open my eyes as a sleepy smile crosses my face, looking down at the boy who was finally able to come clean with who he is and what he wants in life. I can’t help but stare at him for a few more breaths until I mentally slap myself for what happened last night. I can feel my heart beat faster in my chest as I look at him, but I know that he has a long way to go with the coming out process. I could stay and try to be with him - but if it backfires, what then?

I’m brought back to reality by the phone buzzing in my hand once more, giving me just under an hour to get to UC Medical to my appointment. I gently remove Louis’ head from my chest, and her stirs only the slightest bit as he rubs his head further into my pillow. I can’t help but think he’s adorable when he sleeps. Getting ready, right.

I grab a towel and some clothes, walking down the hall to the bathroom and taking the fastest shower known to man. I shrug on my jacket and slip my feet into boots before heading to the kitchen, running right into Niall.

“Well well well…” I look at him, noticing a red mark just above his collar bone. “Long night last night?” I ask, smirking at the petrified look on his face.

“I uhhh...mate, I was going to tell you…” he starts, rubbing a sleepy hand over his face and a smile he can’t quite get rid of.

I hold a hand up to stop him and shake my head. “Don’t worry about it, we can all talk later.” I tell him, reaching around to grab a travel mug of coffee before I head out.

“So what’s going on with Louis?” Niall asks, stretching his arms above his head and letting out a loud yawn.

“Oh shit, I have a favor to ask you.” I pause for a moment, noticing a number of other red marks over Niall’s shirtless self. I try to avoid thinking about my two best friends hooking up and shake my head again. “Christ is he a biter or what?” I laugh, not giving Niall a chance to respond.

“Would you mind driving Louis back to the dorms? I mean, he can stay or whatever - but he’ll probably want to leave and I have to go to….ya know.”

Niall nods and tells me it’s not a problem, clapping me on the back and wishing me luck with my appointment. I turn on my heel and run upstairs, checking once more to make sure Louis is asleep. I crack open the door and see his tiny ankles sticking out from under the covers and chuckle to myself. Ripping a blank page out of my journal I scribble a little note to him and leave it on the bedside table before running off to my appointment.

\----

My Sunday’s are turning into hell on wheels at this point. I sit in a recliner for a few hours at the hospital while a bunch of drugs get shoved into an all familiar vein in my arm. Sometimes I write, sometimes I sleep, but mostly I just sit and watch people and think of tunes in my head to distract me from the chemicals being pumped inside me. I’m nearly dozing off when I notice someone standing in the doorway, Dr.D.

“Come to deliver more good news?” I ask sarcastically, the hint of a smile playing on my face.

Dr. Daugherty steps inside and sits next to me in one of the chairs. Today is a rare occasion when no one else is getting treatment, so he speaks freely.

“Last week we ran some more tests, remember?” he asks, and I nod my head, my hands drawn together in my lap. I start to feel cold and wrap my jacket around my arms - a side effect of this wonderful drug cocktail and disease.

“Well the MRI showed that there’s a reason for your dizziness, and I’m sorry to tell you that the leukemia has spread to your brain.” he pauses for a moment, and I think I can hear my heart stop. “We’re going to be more aggressive with your treatment. I would like to insert a port just below your collarbone - that way it’ll be easier for you and have less scarring.” he continues to explain the process, how the brain is often infected as a side effect of not catching the leukemia fast enough. How he’s worked with so many people who bounce back from this kind of diagnosis all the time.

“Whatever you say, doc.” I say simply, reaching over for my journal.

“Do you have time today to insert the port? We can put you under or do a local anesthetic.” he explains how each of them work and how long it’ll take. We agree to do a local and let me sit around the hospital for the pain meds to wear off. I don’t need anyone else knowing about how much worse this has gotten in the past 15 minutes.

After the procedure there’s a quarter sized lump right where Dr. D said it would be, and I can’t help but to immediately think of Louis and how I can’t be shirtless in front of him anymore. My sex life shouldn’t be what I’m thinking of right now, but I can’t help but wonder how this is going to work out for me in the end - and if that’s a quickly approaching issue.

**[Louis’ POV]**

I wake up with a start, and judging by the smell of the sheets I know exactly where I am. Images from last night flood into my brain - I wasn’t drunk, but I’m having trouble figuring out if the images in my head are from a dream or reality. I drag myself out of the warm sheets and let my feet hit the floor, noticing a small folded piece of paper on the nightstand. I pick it up and notice it says “Preppy” in sloppy handwriting. I can’t help but smile.

_I’m at the hospital catching up on some paperwork. Might swing by and visit Superman afterward. Niall said he could take you home whenever you’re ready. Thanks for last night._

_-H_

His note is simple but I read it a few more times with a smile on my face before folding it up and sticking it in the pocket of my jeans. I find a random t-shirt of Harry’s on the floor and slip it over my head - hoping to give him incentive to see me again. Even though I think we had a wonderful time last night, I still can’t help but think that he’s still not so sure about me.

I wander downstairs and find Niall and Zayn chatting animatedly over cups of coffee, still in what looks like their pajamas even though it’s almost 1:30 in the afternoon.

“Hey guys.” I take a seat at the table and look over at them, wondering what exactly they saw from last night.

“Ayeeeee, sparky!” Niall nearly shouts upon seeing me, his eyes lighting up as if it’s Christmas already. Zayn gives me an apologetic look and shrugs his shoulders, taking a long sip from his cup. “You and Harry have fun last night?” Niall nudges me in the ribs, his laughter ringing out through the apartment.

“Doesn’t look like as much as _you_ had.” I tell him, arching a brow at the state of his neck, chest, and torso. It looks like someone raked their nails all over him and didn’t stop there.

Niall’s laugh gets louder and I see a bit of pink rise to Zayn’s cheeks. Putting two and two together, I now know what we walked in on last night. “Seems we got a sassy one here, ey Zayn?” Niall asks, a smile spreading across his face before he’s interrupted by a buzz on his phone. He looks down and smiles, glancing back over to me.

“Looks like someone’s ears were burning.” Niall notes as he types back on his phone. “Harry was wondering what we were up to later.” he says to Zayn, humming as he texts back.

I glance down at my phone and see a few missed texts, one from Lottie and Liam, but nothing from Harry. Niall puts down his phone and looks at me for a moment before speaking. “I was instructed to take you home if you want - or you can wait for Harold to get back.” he pauses, glancing over at Zayn.

“I don’t want to intrude, I can just catch the bus - it’s no trouble, really.” Before I’m actually done with the sentence, Niall holds up his hand and informs me that he’s driving me if I like it or not.

**[Harry’s POV]**

After getting the port inserted, I was instructed not to leave the hospital for at least two hours for the local anesthesia to wear off. I sit in recovery for half the time, shooting a text to JR to tell him I’ll be late, then wandering up to my resident floor in search of my favorite kid. I wheel myself - forced precautionary chair - over to Kevin’s door and peek inside, his mom nodding off with a book by the window. If it’s one thing his mother is, it’s saintly. She’s here all the time, and still manages to hold down a job and her home life. She spots me and her brow furrows, waving me inside.

“You ok, Harry?” she asks, bending down with her hand on my shoulder.

“Ah yeah, minor procedure is all - do you mind if I interrupt?” I nod my head in Kevin’s direction, not wanting to take advantage of what time she does have with her son.

“Not at all.” she smiles, telling me she’s going to head to the cafeteria while I’m there.

I wheel up and Kevin’s eyes flutter open. He pushes himself up to a sitting position and stares wide eyed at me.

“Harry! What happened?” he glances down at my wheelchair, an element of surprise in his voice.

“I’m just trying to be cool like you.” I tell him, a weak smile on my face.

“What do you mean?”

I pull aside my shirt to show him my port and raise my hand to run it through my thinning hair. “I got one of these just like you.” I tell him, a lump rising in my throat as I watch his face change.

“I don’t want you to be sick again, Harry” he says slowly. I told Kevin about my leukemia as a child in order to connect with him, and show him how cool growing up can be. I explained to him in the past that since he had cancer as a child, he can help other people in the future.

“It’s ok, Superman. You know what you’ll be able to do soon?” I ask, my voice raising for the last word, pending excitement on my tongue.

He nods feverishly and claps his hands together. “I CAN SHAVE YOUR HEAD?!” he nearly shouts, and I tell him that he can - probably in a week or so after our next show at The Avalon. I want to keep my hair for as long as physically possible, but I feel it getting lighter every day.

“Wooooow!” he sits back in his bed and looks around the room. “Your angel isn’t here?” he asks, and I know a look of confusion crosses my face, brows drawing together.

“What angel?”

Kevin sighs and shakes his head. “The one who you look at with googly eyes, the one who looks at youuuu with googly eyes - you know! Lewis!” he shouts. I smile at his memory of the two of us at his birthday and shake my head.

“Louis” I correct him, but just barely - as I like the new nickname. “Isn’t here.” I finish. “Did you want to see him? I’m sure he can stop by sometime.” I tell him, thinking about Louis for a moment. I haven’t talked to him since this morning, and I don’t know how. Now that I have this fucking port and my diagnosis has changed, I just want him to stay away and not get involved with me.

“Want to send him something? I finally ask, pulling my phone out of my tight jeans and setting it on his bed. “Picture….or video?” I ask, unlocking the phone to a smiling Kevin.

**[Louis’ POV]**

I’ve been doing psych homework for a few hours at this point, and feel like I want to text Harry to ask him some questions - but I feel a little weird about it. We kissed, slept in the same bed, and now I haven’t heard from him for hours. In fact, he was talking to Niall and Zayn but didn’t have anything to say to me yet today. I glance down at my phone and see that it’s almost 3 PM. As if on cue, my phone lights up and I see a message from Harry on the screen, but I can’t quite tell what it is.

I unlock the phone and tap the message, and almost burst out laughing at what I’m met with. The first is what looks to be a selfie from Kevin himself, a smile peeking at the corner of his lips. The second is a picture of Harry and Kevin, Harry clearly jumping into Kevin’s bed for this one, all smiles and laughter. I open the third and it’s a video message, paused on Kevin’s face. I push play.

“I wanted to say hi to you Lewis!” Kevin shouts at the phone, not knowing how loud he is.

“It’s Louis.” I hear Harry say in the distance, and Kevin turns the phone to face Harry who’s sitting in a wheelchair, clearly playing around.

“Harry and I are twins now, Lewis!” he shouts, his voice booming out of the small speaker. “Anyyyyway, I just wanted to say hi and tell you to come visit me without Harry because he’s being boring and you like to play games with me! Oh and PS he has a biiiiig crush on youuuuu!” Kevin’s voice seems to fade away before Harry takes the phone from him, grumbling.

The phone is suddenly facing Harry, his eyes look tired. “Never said that. I don’t know where the kid get’s these ideas!” he said before shutting the video off.

I sigh deeply and look at the accompanying message: _Kev wanted me to send these to you. Sorry I’ve been shit today, see you soon? x_.

\---

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, rough chapter for me, but thanks for reading! Obviously the song in here isn't an original, it's called In My Veins by Andrew Belle.
> 
> <3

**[Louis’ POV]**

It’s a Thursday after class when I hear from my family for the first time since Harry and I started dating...kissing? I’m not sure what exactly we’re doing as I haven’t seen him since I stayed the night at his place. We text back and forth periodically, but I can feel him putting space between us - not just physically. I sigh as I look down at the caller ID, my mom’s name showing up.

“Hello?” I ask, kicking my shoes off in my empty dorm room.

“Sweetie, hi!” I hear my mom’s voice float over the speaker, and I instantly feel guilty that she doesn’t know about me. I can hear Lottie yelling something in the background before my mom shushes her. “How are things going in the states, love?” she asks.

“Good, I…” I start to say before my call is interrupted by a knock on my door. “Hang on, mum.” I say, setting the phone down and seeing who’s there.

“Niall?” I ask, surprised to see the blonde boy at my door. He’s huffing as if he’s just run up to my room to deliver exciting news.

“Aye! The guys and I landed a show at The Aragon Ballroom.” he pants, continuing on. “The fucking Aragon….and we’re opening for The fucking...1975.” he breathes, a smile breaking across his face.

I glance back to my desk where my international call is waiting, but manage to ask a few quick questions. “How?! I mean, how did this happen?”

“Their opener...they couldn’t make it in town. Matty said he saw Harry’s cover from a few weeks ago on YouTube and he got a hold of him through twitter or something.” Niall’s smile grew, if that was even possible.

I can’t help but smile with him, happy that they’re finally getting the chance to do something like this on a larger scale. My mind wanders to Harry and why he didn’t tell me about it, but we haven’t seen each other all week. As if Niall can read my mind, he responds.

“Listen, I know Harry’s being a proper dick - and he’s going through some heavy shit, but if you can make it out tonight, you’re name is on the list. It’s sold out!” Niall squeezes my shoulder as I nod and tell him I have to get back to my mum. I run a hand through my hair as I watch him race down the hallway, wondering what shit Harry could be going through and how Niall knows he hasn’t spoken to me much recently. I wander back into my room, grabbing my phone and flopping on my bed.

“Sorry mum, friend of mine telling me some exciting news.” I explain a little bit about what happened with the band and how they’re playing the live show tonight.

“Is that the band Harry is in?” she asks, and I freeze, his name coming out of her mouth is stranger than I ever expected. I can’t help but shake the feeling that she knows more than I’ve told her about him - how we’ve become friends - and can’t help but wonder how she would feel knowing more. My mum is a religious person, and tends to keep her opinions to herself, but I have a feeling having  gay son isn’t something she’s been striving for.

“Yeah his band...actually, you know, I don’t know the name of the band.” Louis wonders how that was possible, but keeps the thought to himself. He talks to his mother for a few more minutes before his mom says she has a surprise for him - she and Lottie are going to be in town for Christmas. Louis instantly feels homesick for Doncaster and wishes he was able to travel there, but with his internship and school things he doesn’t have the time.

“Mum that’s amazing! I can’t wait for you to get here!” I nearly shout, and she calmly reminds me that it’s still about a month and a half away. She tells me she has to get off the phone to take Lottie somewhere, and we exchange I love you’s before hanging up.

\---

**[Harry’s POV]**

The needle stings as it goes into my arm, but relief comes quickly as I push the plunger down, the clear liquid rushing into my vein. The feeling is so familiar, but so far away as I haven’t used for so long. After getting the news from Dr. D my mind knew what I was going to do next, and I didn’t hesitate to get back to my apartment and sit in the shower, staring down at what dope I had.

It’s Thursday and I’ve only been using for four days, but I already feel better than I have in months. I can tell Zayn knows something weird is going on, because he hasn’t been off my back about life since I got back late on Sunday night after scoring with my old dealer. I look in the mirror after tapping my arm again, the feeling flowing throughout my body. My pupils are dilated as I study my reflection carefully, my cheekbones looking more prominent than usual.

“Christ” I mutter to myself before dragging my ass back to bed, glancing briefly at my phone. Two missed calls from a number I don’t know, and seventeen fucking texts between Niall and Zayn. I listen to the voicemail on my phone and have to do a bit of a double take, wondering if the cancer in my brain has me that fucked up or if I’m dreaming.

“Hey hope this is Harry Styles” the British voice starts, and I wonder who could possibly be on the other end. “This is Matty from The 1975” I nearly scream before listening to the rest of the message. “Listen I know this is weird and all, but I saw a cover you did of Sex on YouTube and our opener can’t make it to Chicago tonight. Just wondering if you were interested in opening for us….ya know, at The Aragon Ballroom? It should be pretty sick. Let me know by like noon if you can.” He leaves his number and I’m stunned into silence.

I nearly fall down the stairs as I try to get to Zayn, who’s sitting in front of the TV.

“Zayn you have to listen to this voicemail.” I don’t give him a chance to reply before I play it on speaker phone, his eyes fixed on mine.

“Is that real?” he asks, and I shake my head rapidly, the heroin combined with the euphoria in this moment might kill me.

“Well fuck, call him back!” He nearly shouts as I punch the number into my phone, my mind going a mile a minute.

A groggy voices answers “Yoooo” he drawls out, and I look over to Zayn, my heart fluttering in my chest.

“Hey it’s uh, Harry...Harry Styles, calling you back.”

Recognition is clear this time he speaks. “Ahhh hey man, you get my message?” he asks as if we’re old friends.

“Is this really Matty?” Zayn smacks me as if I’ve made a mistake, but Matty chuckles on the other end.

“Yeah man, sorry for the weird creepy stalker call. You guys can make it out tonight?” he asks, and I hear some commotion on his end of the line.

“Yeah, yeah of course. Wouldn’t miss it.”

Matty tells me when the band has to be there for a small sound check before getting everything in order for the show. We’re supposed to be at venue by two, which barely gives us any time to get our shit together. I agree that we’ll be there, and hang up the phone.

“Holy shit.” Zayn breathes. I think he’s talking about the opportunity, but he’s holding my arm up to his eye, studying the fresh marks from this past week. “What the fuck, Harry? I thought you kicked this shit.” there’s disappointment clear in his voice, but I can see that his eyes elicit a sense of sadness.

I look down at my arm, and back up to Zayn. “Hey mate, it’s only temporary. I mean, I’ll be dead soon anyway, yeah?” I venture a laugh.

“That’s sick.” he says, dropping my arm and shaking his head.

I stand there in silence for a few moments when I hear footsteps outside, and Niall walks in unannounced. He can tell he’s walked in on a strange interaction between Zayn and I, but I wave him inside and sit down on the couch before telling them everything.

\---

I use once more before leaving for the show, reassuring the guys that it won’t cause any problems. Heroin basically acts as morphine and literally everything hurts right now. I can’t fucking stand this port in my chest, I can’t talk to Louis about anything, and I’ve skipped out on JR a few times - and fuck, I’m supposed to meet with him tonight. I pull out my phone as Zayn drives us in my car to the venue, my fingers moving quickly.

_Hey can’t make it tonight - mates are playing a show at The Aragon Ballroom!!!!_

I send, and his reply is almost immediate.

JR: _S_ _ince when do you play with The 1975._

_What the fuck, how did you know?_

JR: _Scored tickets for tonight. I was going to have to cancel on you anyway. Everything ok? Haven’t seen you in a week or so._

I think about my response before sending a little something back.

_I guess you’ll see me tonight. Have fun at the show._

I shake my head and shove the phone into the depths of my pockets. I think about sending Louis a text, but I figure that he has other shit to do - and I’m trying to stay away from him. On the one hand I think I’m leading him on, but really I just reply to his texts, so no harm done, yeah?

The guys and I set up our equipment and work with the sound and lighting people to get the best setup figured out. We’re at it for about an hour before we can start the actual sound check, my voice surprisingly loud, filling the cracks of the empty theatre. I feel a little dizzy, but manage to get through the four songs we’re going to sing while we’re up there - one of them a new one that we just perfected the previous day. The guys and I agree that now is as good a time as any for us to perform it.

People start to wander in, eventually filling up all of the space in the venue. I look around and can’t believe we’ve been given such an amazing opportunity. I walk out on stage with the guys and immediately notice two very familiar faces in the crowd as I get to the microphone I’ll be using for the next thirty minutes or so.

“Hey thanks for coming out tonight, we’re Quicksilver and we hope you enjoy what we play tonight. And if not, well...fuck off.”

**[Louis’ POV]**

The band looks hot, and Harry, well fuck. I would be lying if I didn’t say he looked amazing in his tight black jeans loud printed shirt. Harry could pull of literally anything that he wanted to without blinking an eye. I can't help but imagine the look of the shirt crumpled on the floor. I know he knows that I’m there, but he doesn’t acknowledge me until he introduces their second song.

“So” he begins, his voice sultry and deep in his microphone. “This next song we have for you was written by yours truly, and only finished a day or so ago.” he pauses for a moment as he fixes the black beanie on his head, a few loose curls sticking out from underneath. “This song is about a lot of things, but mostly how I need to deal with some shit…” he trails off, his eyes focusing on me before he moves over to the keyboard that I didn’t realize he could play.

His voice rings out “Nothing goes as planned…” before Niall comes in on the guitar.

_“Everything will break._

_People say goodbye._

_In their own special way._

_All that you rely on_

_And all that you can fake_

_Will leave you in the morning_

_But find you in the day…”_

 

Harry trails on and looks back at me, before his eyes close and his voice swells.

 

_“Oh you're in my veins_

_And I cannot get you out_

_Oh you're all I taste_

_At night inside of my mouth_

_Oh you run away_

_Cause I am not what you found_

_Oh you're in my veins_

_And I cannot get you out._

_Everything will change._

_Nothin' stays the same._

_And nobody here's perfect._

_Oh but everyone's to blame_

_All that you rely on_

_And all that you can save_

_Will leave you in the morning_

_And find you in the day_

_Oh you're in my veins_

_And I cannot get you out_

_Oh you're all I taste_

_At night inside of my mouth_

_Oh you run away_

_Cause I am not what you found_

_Oh you're in my veins_

_And I cannot get you out._

_No I cannot get you out._

_No I cannot get you…”_

 

He pauses for an elongated moment and sings by himself, the room silent.

 

_“Everything is dark._

_It's more than you can take._

_But you catch a glimpse of sunlight._

_Shinin', Shinin' down on your face…”_

 

The song finishes and the silence is deafening before the crowd goes wild. I can see the tensity in Harry’s shoulders relax, though he still doesn’t look the same. The show goes on and he smiles maybe once, but for the rest of the time he’s very somber and withdrawn from the group. Harry talks to the crowd once more, but for the most part it’s Niall and Zayn interacting. The boys leave the stage and there’s a break until The 1975 can get their instruments set up.

A tap on my shoulder brings me back to the present and I see JR standing behind me, a small smile on his face.

“Louis, right?” he asks, though I feel like he knows me better than he’s letting on.

“Yeah, yeah JR, right?” I ask, his presence making me nervous for some reason.

“Have you seen Harry at all?” he asks, his brows drawn together as if he’s concerned about him.

I shake my head. “No…is everything ok?” I ask, my voice trailing off as I see Zayn leaving the bathroom, a stern look on Zayn’s face. He makes a beeline toward me, but ignores me when he steps up in front of us.

“Jackson?” he asks, his full attention of JR, as if I don’t exist.

“That’s me.”

Zayn breathes out a sigh. “Harry uh...needs you.” he ventures a glance toward me before leaving and leading JR toward the bathroom. What the fuck? If this is some sort of sick joke...I remember Niall telling me about Harry going through shit - but it looked like….why did he look at me like that on stage if he’s already seeing this guy?

**[Harry’s POV]**

Niall is yelling at me to get out of the bathroom stall, but I can’t even bring myself to care. “Hold onnnn.” I drawl, fishing the lighter out of my bag and lighting up my smack in the spoon. “Fuck” I mutter, watching the dope melt into a liquid.

“Come on mate, don’t do this again” Niall’s voice is pleading. I’m only using a little bit, no need to get his panties in such a twist.

The needle goes into my arm like a knife through butter, the effect soothing me in an instant. I toss the needle capped up into my bag, my phone lighting up as I throw it inside.

“What the hell?” I ask, Kevin’s name and picture popping up on my phone.

I answer the phone and it’s his mother on the other end of the line. It’s late for her to be calling, and she sound so far away when she speaks. All I can hear is that Kevin’s health is deteriorating and he wants me to swing by the next day. She says he can’t speak because he’s sleeping right now, but she knows he would want to see me in the morning. I tell her I’ll be there before hanging up and crumpling to the floor, wretched sobs leaving my body. This is a pain that not even heorin can numb.

I can hear Niall speaking to someone and before I can register what’s happening, the door is open and JR is standing in front of me. I’m caught literally red handed using again, but that’s not what he focuses on.

“What’s going on?” his voice is soft, but rushed as he speaks to me. The red walls of the bathroom seem to be shouting, I can’t focus on anything except for Kevin.

I look up to him, eyes glossy as I take in the concerned look on his face. He doesn’t seem concerned that my pores are leaking with dope, or that I’ve bailed on him twice this week to use. What JR sees is a fucking pathetic excuse for a human, and I can’t bare to look at him. I tear my eyes away from him and wipe my face, my body still shaking with fear for my favorite little man.

Zayn mutters a few things to Niall before he exits the bathroom, JR squatting down to get closer to me. “Listen Harry, I don’t have a tendency to conduct therapy in a bathroom, but I can’t let you go without knowing what’s going on.”

**[Louis’ POV]**

After sending a text to Liam to let him know I’m on my way back, the door of the bathroom swings open, and I can see Zayn with his arm around Harry, leading him out. They sneak around the side of the bar, and I can’t help but follow them. I need to know what’s going on.

“Hey, Harry!” I call after them, my feet jogging to catch up to the group. All of them turn, and I can see that Harry looks worse than he had before. His eyes are bloodshot from crying, his face pale, and his eyes just look so sad.

“What’s going on?” I ask him, and he looks away, Niall stepping forward to let me know they have to leave. JR isn’t with them, and I decide that I will murder him if he’s the one that made Harry feel that way. I tell Harry I’ll talk to him later and he nods before I turn away and head toward the bathroom.

“What the fuck!” I yell as I walk inside, immediately spotting JR with Harry’s messenger bag. “What the fuck did you do to him?” I ask, pushing him into the wall opposite the stalls.

JR puts his hands up and feigns innocence, his words traveling quickly. “Hey man, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Calm down.” He tells me, which makes me even more irritated than before.

“Just trying to put things together. You fucking come in here and the next thing I know, Harry looks like shit and you’re not with him anymore. Christ.” I mutter, backing away from him before I hear a chuckle coming from my now enemy.

“Why the hell are you laughing?”

JR shakes his head. “I just...Harry thinks you’re this shy guy from Doncaster who doesn’t really like him...and here you are, you’re much more than that.”

“Don’t fucking tell me what Harry thinks you idiot.” I spit, storming out of the room while JR continues to chuckle to himself.

\---

It’s nearly three weeks later and Harry and I have picked up where we left off with tutoring. He doesn’t try to flirt with me or kiss me, doesn’t do anything special, and certainly doesn’t talk about anything that happened at their show. I think I catch him staring a little too long at me sometimes, but push the feelings away, knowing that it won’t help either of us.

Harry and I have visited Kevin a few times, his scare a few weeks ago now passed - the doctors found a metastasized cell in his lung, but were able to perform emergency surgery and everything looks better now. I visit Kevin a lot by myself lately, and today is one of those days. It’s a busy Sunday afternoon on the pediatric oncology floor, but Kevin and I are in our own little world playing checkers.

“I wonder when Harry is going to be here…” he trails off, moving his piece across the board.

I look up at him and shake my head. “Is Harry supposed to come today?”

“He always comes on Sunday nights. It’s twin night.” he says simply, as if I’m supposed to know what that means. Harry doesn’t let me into his personal life and I can only imagine what’s been going on lately with him. He seems distant, is clearly pushing me away, and there’s a lot I can tell he’s not telling me.

“It’s where Harry and I talk about how we’re twins, and he lets me paint his face sometimes, and I can play 20 questions with him.” Kevin explains how much fun it is to have Harry with him on those nights, and I think it gives his mom a break with Harry as a distraction from this medical mess they’ve been in.

As if he knows I’m talking about him, I look down and have a text from Harry on my phone. It’s simple.

Harry: _You at UC Med?_

I tell Kevin that it’s Harry who texted me, and a flush comes across his face.

_Yeah, with Kevin. What’s up?_

Harry: _Can you let him know I’ll be a little late?_

_Sure, is everything ok?_

Harry: _Yeah no worries. And maybe could you let me have time alone with him?_

I look down at the text and furrow my brow, but shrug away the insecurities and text back.

_Yeah, I’ll leave in 30._

Harry: _Perfect, thanks_

He’s becoming even more distant via text. A few months ago he would have sent smiley faces and flirted over text messaging, but now it’s all business and I’m having trouble knowing what to do about it. I made the mistake of telling Lottie how I felt about Harry, but now it all seems stupid since I don’t think he returns the sentiments at all.

“Louis?” Kevin asks, dragging me out of my thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“Is Harry feeling sick?”

“No, he’ll just be late.”

“Oh ok, good. My twin transponder was hurting and I thought maybe it was because he was hurting.” he says, and I raise a brow at him.

“Twin transponder?” I ask, a smile pulling at the corner of my lips.

Kevin pulls his gown aside and points to the port where he receives his chemotherapy, tapping it gently. “Harry and I have matching transponders, which means that basically we can communicate with each other when we’re feeling sad or bad.”

I wonder just what exactly Kevin is talking about when the nurse comes and tells me that visiting hours are over. I briefly wonder how Harry get’s past these rules, but focus more on what Kevin was saying. I tell him goodbye, kissing his small head before leaving the room.

“My twin says he loves you.” his little voice says, before I close the door.

\---


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ughghghghghhhhhh this chapter hurts us.

**[Harry’s POV]**

After my treatment I sneak onto the Pediatric Oncology unit, and by sneak I probably mean that everyone knows I’m there - but looks the other way. My favorite nurse on the floor asks me how I’ve been, and I can see the pity behind her eyes. I told her about my diagnosis when it happened, it’s useless trying to hide things from nurses who see symptoms every day. She chats with me until we reach Kevin’s room, and by now it’s quite late.

“You know your boy was here earlier.” She tells me, her lips curving into a sly smile.

I smile back at he and shake my head. “Not my boy, Catherine.” I chide, reaching for the door handle.

“Whatever you say, Harry.” she arches a brow and reminds me I only have about an hour before she’s going to drag me out. Kevin needs his rest, and I don’t want to do anything to mess with his recovery.

I push the door open and see Kevin sitting up in bed listening to music. His new iPod is in his tiny hands and he pulls out the earbuds when he sees me, a smile overtaking his small features.

“Harryyyy!” he shouts, his smile growing deeper if that’s possible.

“How’s my favorite eight year old?” I ask, slipping my beanie from my head and tossing it on the chair.

“Ok. Lou played games with me today.” he looks over at the boxes of games that his mom brought in a few weeks ago.

“Did you whip his butt?” I ask, pulling my backpack in front of me and rifling through the contents.

Kevin laughs and tries to see what I’m pulling out. “I totally did. Louis is terrible at checkers.” he mentions offhand. I smile at his comment and shake my head. I’ve been trying to get Louis out of my head, which is difficult considering he’s enmeshed in so many parts of my life. I make a mental note to text JR after this, before brandishing the items I’ve brought with me.

A comb, scissors, and electric razor are all laid out in front of me, and Kevin’s eyes grow wide.

“IS IT TIME?” he nearly shrieks, his voice echoing in the small room.

I shush him but can’t help from smiling at how happy he is, and all just to cut my hair. He picks up the electric clippers and asks what it is.

“That’s for me to fix it up once you’ve cut it.” I push it aside and hand him the scissors. He’s quiet as I pull up a chair close enough for him to reach my head from his bed.

“You ready?” I ask, running a hand through my hair for possibly the last time.

“Yep! Are you?” he asks. He’s such a bright kid. What other eight year old would even question if someone was going to lob off all of their hair. Not one. I give him my best smile, even though my insides are rubbish. It’s just fucking hair, but it’s the first step in losing myself and my identity without cancer.

“Of course, just take the scissors and go crazy, Superman!” I tell him, faking the best excitement I have within me. Kevin wouldn’t want to do anything that makes me sad, and I couldn’t bear the thought of upsetting him with my own petty shit.

I turn my back to Kevin and I can feel his bed move, shifting with the small amount of weight he has. He picks up my hair and whispers something inaudible to it before taking the scissors and cutting at random. He snips away, and with each cut my heart beats a little faster. He mumbles to himself as if he’s an expert hair stylist, and I can’t help but smile at his effort, even though he can’t see.

“Done!” he proclaims, and I run a hand over my much shorter, and now expertly layered hair. I smile down at Kevin, rubbing his head before I grab the clippers and go to the bathroom. The attached bathroom is small and poorly lit, but I close the door and plug in the clippers. I look up at the mirror, barely recognizing myself. My face is pale, I look a bit thinner, and with my hair like this I could pass for some sort of junkie.

“Junkie” I whisper to the mirror, knowing that my backpack contains more than just hair utensils. I shake the thought from my head and focus on the task at hand. I hold the clippers up to my head, taking a deep breath as I swipe the metal across my head, forward to back, forward to back, until I’ve covered my whole head. I study myself again in the mirror, my reflection looking like a completely different person. The top of my head is smooth and hair free, every cancer patient's dream...not.

I put on my happy face and go back into Kevin’s room and he claps as I make my grand entrance, bowing at the foot of his bed.

“How do I look? Handsome as ever?” I ask, waggling my brows in his direction.

Kevin tells me that I look even more handsome than before, and I thank him for the compliment, though I don’t think I can believe it myself. I tell Kevin that I can’t stay long and he understands, his yawn letting me know that he’s tired anyway. We say our goodbyes, and I slip my beanie over my now very chilly head before heading out into the hallway.

I pull my phone out from my pocket once I’m out in the parking lot, shooting JR a text to ask him when we can meet. My phone buzzes as if he was waiting for me to ask.

JR: _Whenever, I can work with your schedule._

I shake my head and send back a text.

_Do you have any other clients? Are you even a fucking shrink?_

JR: _Nope. You’ve been trusting me with your secrets all this time, but I’m just the maid._

_Fuck you JR, what are you doing tonight?_

JR: _It’s almost 9 so of course having a great time at the office._

_If I’m there by 9:30 can you meet really quick?_

JR: _Sounds important, I’ll be here._

\---

I pull up to the building almost exactly a half hour later, though I’m a bit early since I was speeding. He buzzes me in without question, and I’m thankful. Since leaving the hospital I’ve really started to get in my head about a lot of things. The questions circulate: Why me? Am I going to die? Why aren’t I worth it? What’s going to happen to my mum? What’s going to happen to Kevin? Should I tell Louis, or keep pushing him away? Does he even like me?

All questions I spring on JR the second he opens the door to his office.

“Ok, ok, I can feel you floundering in all of these questions. Let’s take a step back.” he instructs me how to even out my breathing and helps me tell him what happened today to make me feel this way. I explain to him the chemo and how it makes me feel like shit in general, how Louis was with Kevin, how I let Kevin cut my hair.

The slightest bit of surprise registers on JR’s face before he wipes it away. He knows how vain I am about my appearance at times - especially my hair.

“I noticed the beanie was covering more than usual today - why the change?” he asks. An innocent question, but it’s response is loaded.

“The change is because my fucking hair is falling out all over the place. And it doesn’t stop there. I may as well shave my fucking eyebrows and pull out my lashes because those are next. How could anyone fucking find this attractive? My friends are going to lose it - they don’t know how to handle this shit. And Louis, fucking Louis. I don’t even know what’s happening there….” I launch into word vomit about the cancer and how it’s robbing me of everything I’ve been trying to work for. I tell JR how I can’t get close to Louis even though I desperately want to - I don’t want to fuck him over, and I know that’s what I would eventually do. I get scared, I get helpless, and I fucking don’t deserve someone like him.

JR takes what he likes to call “therapeutic silence” and allows both of us to digest everything I’ve just said.

“So, correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re not letting yourself experience something you want to, because you want to protect Louis?” he asks.

“That’s what I fucking said isn’t it?” I can feel my blood boiling and JR simply smiles.

“Harry, this isn’t a bad thing.” he pauses for a breath. “When I met you, you would use anyone you could...this is different, Louis is different for you.”

“I’m sorry that you met someone to make you feel like this when so much other shit is going on right now.” he tells me, and I swear it’s one of the only times I hear him cuss. “It’s not fair, and I want you to know that you deserve a relationship, a love, that is fulfilling for you.” he looks up at me, gaze meeting mine as he speaks.

“I’ll fuck it up. I’ll say something fucking stupid and ruin it.” I tell him, my confidence took a nosedive today, and there’s nothing I can do to get it back.

“Ok, how about we do something else?” he asks, and I’m silent, waiting for the other option. “If you want to tell him how you feel - and it sounds like you do - write it out.” JR offers, and I can’t help but laugh.

“I’ve written it so many times…” I trail off, rummaging through my bag to find my journal/songbook within the depths. I come out the black leatherbound book and flip through the pages of mostly lyrics, until I land on a group of pages toward the back. I glance over it and shake my head. “It’s absolute shit.” I tell him, looking up.

“Let me see.” he holds out his hand and I give him the book. I see Jackson’s eyes roam the pages, his mouth pulling up at the corners and frowning at times before he hands it back to me, a strange look on his face. “It’s not shit Harry, it’s genuine.”

We go back and forth about it for a little while before I force JR into helping me write a better one until I can tell Louis in person. I can feel my heart and I think it’s going to beat out of my chest - and Louis isn’t even anywhere around.

“Did I tell you that he goes to see Kevin by himself?” I ask after writing a particularly corny sentence down on a page. “He thinks I’m not there, but of course I’m going down to get my chemo and walk past Kevin’s room. Kevin always winks at me but Louis is way too focused on their games to notice anything.”

JR simply smiles and shakes his head at me, I genuinely think he’s surprised that all of this is happening. He helps me put my thoughts into coherent sentences and when I’m finished I rip out the pages and hand it to him.

“Here, let’s put it in an envelope so when we meet Wednesday we can look it over with a fresh brain.” he glances at the clock and I cuss at what time it is. It’s already 11:30 in the evening.

“Oh fuck I’m sorry we’re so late” I apologize, licking the envelope and scrawling a letter L on the front of it. “Now you can’t peek.” I say with a grin, my heart much lighter than it was when I came in a few hours ago.

JR walks me out and reminds me to watch my using - drugs and alcohol. We didn’t even touch on what happened when he saw me breakdown. I walk to my car and can’t believe I’m going to tell Louis what’s actually going on. I hop in the Range Rover and pull my phone out of my bag, looking at a number of missed texts from Niall, Zayn, and my little sister. I’m having trouble believing my mum and sister will be here in just a few short hours - well by tomorrow night. It’s only November but it already feels like Christmas, there’s snow on the ground, it’s chilly, and I’m just fucking happy to be here at this point.

10:00 PM Zayn: _Hitting up the pub with Nialler, when will you be back._

10:42 PM Zayn: _Fuck you’re working late tonight._

11:00 PM Zayn: _Broooo, what the fuck?_

After I don’t answer there’s a missed call from Zayn, and I call him back instead of texting. I can hear a lot of commotion in the background when he picks up the phone.

“Mate, what the hell - been worried you got mugged or some shit!” he yells, and I can tell there’s a lot of people wherever they are.

“Yeah sorry, worked late, saw JR...lost track of time.” I explain with as minimal a detail as I can. I tell Zayn I want to talk with him when we get back, but it won’t be for a while.

“Sweet man, yeah we should be back around the same time as you, see you!” he nearly shouts, and I push the button to end the call.

I look down at my other texts and send Gemma a quick one to tell her how excited I am to see her. I notice there’s a missed text from Louis as well, a simple question - void of any flirtatious undertones.

_Hey, we still on for tutoring tomorrow?_

He sent it around nine and it was already so late, but Harry couldn’t help himself. He had spent so much time with JR spouting what he loved about Louis and how he was just perfectly dorky and had the softest skin and just...Harry was lost in thoughts of Louis for a moment before responding.

 _Of course! I have somewhere I want to go - nothing fancy, totally psych related :_ )

Only a few moments later, Harry’s phone buzzed in the cupholder. He still hadn’t left the parking lot since he was so amped up.

Louis: _Sounds great! My mum and sis get in tomorrow night, so I can’t be too late._

I smile as I think about my own mum coming with Gem, and can’t imagine how excited Louis must be as well. There are a few flights coming to and from London from Chicago tomorrow, but he says they get in at night…I send a quick text back.

_Seems our families may meet on the plane ride over, my mum and sis get in tomorrow as well!_

Louis: _That’s wid! Wanna meet after lecture tomorrow?_

_Sounds good to me...hope you’re as excited as I am!_

**[Louis’ POV]**

I look down at my phone and I know my brows are knit together. Why is Harry suddenly being so different toward me? Not that I mind, but it’s just so hard to keep up with what he’s feeling. I shove my phone back in my pocket and down the rest of my pint, thankful to be finally having a night out.

“Ayyye Lou! Aren’t you glad you came?” Niall asks me, slinging his arm around my shoulder.

“Course, mate. I’m glad we’ve been hanging out a lot more.” I tell him, and it’s genuine. I’ve been spending a lot of free time with Zayn and Niall recently. At first it may have been a way to get close to Harry, but I came to realize pretty quickly that he wasn’t around very often. He works at the restaurant, goes to the hospital all the time, and just generally stays out late doing whatever it is that he does. The boys tell me not to worry about it, that he can take care of himself - but he’s just so different than he usually is.

“Best be heading home. We’re meeting Harry back at Zayn's - wanna come?” he asks, his face lighting up.

I want to, but I don’t know what to make of Harry’s texts, and I’m still so confused about what he wants with me, if anything. “Ah no, I should go home. I have an early psych class tomorrow.” I say as an excuse, while it’s true I would much rather be hanging out with my friends.

“You two need to get your shit together.” Niall says in passing, making a blush rise to my cheeks.

“What do you mean?”

“You and Harry, why don’t you just end all this bullshit and be together?” he asks, downing the rest of his beer.

“He doesn’t even...I’m not...can we talk about this another time?” I ask, my eyes pleading with him. Zayn thankfully steps in and drags Niall away from me, shaking his head and offering an apology.

“C’mon let’s get home.”

**[Harry’s POV]**

I’m blasting music on my way home, trying to pump myself up for seeing the guys and telling them what’s going on. I have a brief moment of panic when I realize my hair is still gone, but manage to calm myself down. I merge onto the highway to get back to the apartment, the roads mostly clear save for a few cars here and there, probably trying to get home from a night out. I look up at the night sky, the lights from other cars bothering my eyes. I can feel my head start to ache as I reach for my phone to call Zayn to let him know I’ll be home soon.

When I press the call button I can feel something in my head, a tiny explosion if that makes sense. My vision turns strange and there seem to be lines going across my line of sight - lines that I know shouldn’t be there. I can hear Zayn’s voice on the other side of the phone, but when I try to speak, nothing comes out. I can’t control anything that’s going on, and my limbs aren’t connecting what my brain is trying to tell them. I can feel myself spinning.

Then it’s dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry everyone! I'll post very soon! :/


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a rough one, but I sweat it'll get better!

“Harry...Harry are you there?” Zayn asks, his voice getting louder as he asks for his friend. He doesn’t hear anything on the other end of the line and hangs up, figuring Harry must have called by mistake, maybe a butt dial.  Zayn drives along the highway, Niall nodding off in the seat next to him, a little too much whiskey tonight for the Irish lad, if that were possible. He smiles as he looks at his friend turned into something more, shaking his head as his eyes focus on the road once more.

Traffic comes to a stop and Zayn sees a number of emergency vehicles up ahead, a groan escaping from his mouth. The last thing they need is to get stuck in terrible traffic, when all he wants to do is go to sleep. Niall wakes up as the car stops moving, mumbling something about sleeping and ponies. He wipes his eyes and looks up.

“What’s going on?” he asks as the cars begin to get diverted around what Zayn can only imagine is a pretty bad accident, considering the amount of lights.

They slowly start to pass the wreck and Zayn glances at the vehicle, which has flipped over the median, the ambulance, the police...and there’s something all too familiar that rises up in his chest.

“Christ…” he breathes out, his hands jerking his car to the side, pulling off to the shoulder and jumping out of the car, ignoring the cars honking at him.

“Zayn what are you doing?!” Niall shouts, unbuckling himself and following Zayn, still shouting his name.

The pair arrive at the scene of the accident at the same time, Zayn falling to his knees when the police tell him he can’t come any further. His sobs are loud and achy as he holds his head in his hands, Niall finally noticing what’s going on. There, in front of them, is Harry’s barely recognizable car. The once pristine metal now twisted and torn in a grotesque way that signals to the boys that they had to use excessive force to get Harry out of the vehicle. But Harry...where was Harry?

With a tear streaked face, Zayn pulls Niall along the scene of the accident toward the ambulance. He doesn’t know what they’ll be met with when they get there, but they need to know. Zayn picks up the pace, finally meeting the ambulance as the door is about to close.

“Hey!” he shouts. “Hey!” the words echo in the night again.

The paramedic closing the door glances up, and keeps the door open, a look of confusion pasted across her face, silently asking what they need.

“He...He’s my...he’s my brother!” Zayn tells her, catching his breath at the back of the truck.

The paramedic looks down at him, her eyes sad as she opens the truck for him to hop inside. When Niall tries to get in as well she stops him, telling him that they need to leave and can only take one family member.

“It’s ok Ni...I’ll tell you where to meet us.” The sentence is barely out of his mouth before Zayn tosses him the keys and Niall is left standing in the street, suddenly more aware of his surroundings than he’s ever been.

\---

Zayn sits on the bench in the back of the ambulance, his gaze finally landing on his injured best friend. He takes him in from the feet up. His feet are still clad in his ankle boots, tight jeans and a green jumper that would surely bring out his eyes. He ignores that all of Harry’s clothing is ripped and spattered in what he can only assume is blood. Zayn’s gaze travels up to Harry’s face, a fresh stream of tears running down his face. Harry’s face is swollen, bruises already appearing on his cut up cheeks. His eyes are shut and there’s a mask on his face to assist with his breathing. Zayn focuses on where Harry’s familiar mop of hair once stood. Now bald and injured, he can barely see his friend at all. He briefly wonders when Harry shaved his head, but his thoughts are interrupted by the paramedic speaking to him.

“Did you hear me?” she asks, her voice light, but full of concern.

Zayn shakes his head. “No...no I’m sorry, what?” he asks, tearing his eyes away from Harry’s mangled form.

“Can you tell me about his medical history? Any medication he’s on? Any medical concerns we should be aware of?”

Zayn runs a hand through his hair, trying to remember her questions. “He...I….he has cancer.” Zayn nods his head. “Cancer. He...he...medications for chemotherapy.” Zayn finally sputters, wiping his face with the back of his sweatshirt.

The paramedic nods and scribbles a note on her clipboard. “Any reason you can think of that he would have a seizure?” she asks.

“A seizure?” Zayn glances back at Harry, the machines beeping in rapid succession as the other paramedic in the back checks his numbers. “No...I don’t know. All of his doctors are at UC Med.” Zayn offers, hoping that will help.

“Good….good, thank you.” she says, moving over to sit next to Zayn and placing a hand on his leg. “Keep telling the doctors you’re his brother so you can see him.” she gives him a small smile before turning back to Harry and working with the other paramedics.

\---

Zayn is sitting in the waiting room when Niall arrives, beads of sweat on his forehead as if he had been running. Without a word, they embrace one another, both boys crying into the other’s shoulder as they hold on tightly. Niall pulls back from Zayn, holding him an arm's length away, searching his face for some sort of answer to his silent questions.

“He’s in surgery.” Zayn finally says, his breathing evening out. “He had internal bleeding and they had to go in and figure out what was going on I guess” Zayn shrugs his shoulders, his body and mind exhausted from the evening's events.

“He’ll be alright” Niall offers, taking Zayn into his arms again. They find a place to sit in the surgical waiting room, a sounds from Zayn’s phone distracting the two of them. He looks down and sees a text from Anne flash across his screen.

_Hi Z! Hope this doesn’t wake you, but just wanted to let you know we’re headed to the airport. I know Harry said you could pick us up, but just wanted to make sure. I’ll have wifi during the flight so I can text back. Love you! :)_

Zayn doesn’t speak, but hands the phone to Niall who reads the text quickly. “Oh Jesus…” he says, eyes meeting Zayns.

“What do I tell her?” he asks, suddenly at a loss. Harry’s mom couldn’t do anything on the flight over, and it would be useless to have her worrying for so long, but if she didn’t know it might be even worse.

Niall seems to know what Zayn is thinking. “I think in person might be best. Especially since we don’t know anything. Not like she can get here any faster than she already is.” Niall shakes his head, a fresh set of salty tears stinging his own face.

\---

**[Louis’ POV]**

Finding a seat toward the front of the class, I get out supplies for class, interested in what Harry has prepared for today’s lesson. I never know what to expect from him in class or my personal life, so each day with Harry is like a new surprise. Eleanor slides into a seat next to me, smiling brightly as she gets out her notebook and a set of pens. The rest of the class files in, but Harry hasn’t shown yet. He’s always on time, if not early, and I find myself wondering if there’s something going on. I start to text him, but put my phone away, not wanting to bother him. I’m already on weird terms with him I think.

It’s twenty minutes past the start of class, and students have started to leave since Harry hasn’t shown up. I’m getting more concerned as time ticks by, but with a flurry of commotion, Professor Holmes rushes in and gets his items out on the front table in the lecture hall. He sets up his microphone and pulls up a power point, obviously designed by Harry.

“Ah class…” he starts, clicking through a few intro slides before landing on the informative ones. “Sorry for being late, I uh...I forgot that I was taking over Harry’s lecture this morning.” he offers a weak smile, his gaze briefly landing on me before starting the slideshow. The rest of class goes off without a hitch, students taking notes as Professor Holmes basically reads from slides that he has clearly not studied at all.

A few hours later, I’m standing in the back of my building clad in a hat and scarf, my coat wrapped tightly around my small frame. I wait for Harry, but I haven’t heard from him at all today. I’ve text him once or twice, but they go unanswered. I end up waiting in the cold in the back of my building before realizing Harry isn’t coming, and trudge back upstairs, reaching in my pocket for his phone.

_Hey Z, is something going on with Harry. He didn’t show up to get me for tutoring. I send the text, and waits for a reply._

With a glance at the clock, I decide that I’ll study until I have to go get my mum and sister from the airport. The nervous energy I have stored up for seeing them is pulsing when I get a return text from Zayn.

_Harry was in an accident last night. Ni and are at UC Med with him now if you want to come up._

I look down at his phone and do a double take, wondering what happened. The accident couldn’t be that bad if they were hanging out with Harry. I shake the thoughts from my head and run a hand through my hair, no wonder he wasn’t in lecture this morning.

_I have to pick up my mum and sis from the airport in a bit, they’re getting in from London._

**Zayn:** _Harry’s mum too. I can drive you if you want to leave from here._

_Thanks man, be up in a bit!_

I pack up my books and sling my bag over my shoulder before heading outside into the crisp and cool air. I take the bus to the hospital just like I usually do, wandering up to the familiar front desk lady and asking for Harry’s room.

She looks up at me with a sad face, her fingers typing rapidly on the computer. She looks at the room number and back to me. “It’s ICU room 621, hon.” she tells me, handing me a yellow visitor pass. The ICU? I take the pass and head to the bank of elevators on my left, pushing the up button one too many times. It feels like an eternity later, but the doors spring open and I press the button for floor 6, and when the doors open again I quickly make my way down the hall to room 621.

Before I see the room number, I spot Zayn standing outside, looking like he hasn’t slept at all. When he notices me, his face cracks into a sad smile, bringing me into his arms for a hug. It’s one of the only times I’ve ever hugged Zayn and it’s weird. It’s strange to be in this situation.

“Where is he?” I ask, not knowing if I want to see Harry or shake Zayn for not telling me sooner.

Zayn simply nods his head toward the door, the curtains drawn to keep Harry with a bit of privacy. He tells me that Niall is inside, but I can go in whenever I want. I slide open the door and close it gently, hearing Niall before anyone else. He’s near the side of his bed, blocking Harry from view as his Irish accent floats through the air.

“...and mate, you should have been there. I told Zayn that I was into him and he admitted his feelings for me. I think it was the night, yeah the night you came back with Lou and saw us on the couch. I swear we were gonna tell ya sooner, mate. It just happened that way and I’m sorry.” I can tell without seeing him that Niall is crying, so I clear my throat to let him know that I’m there. He turns around and gives me a close lipped, pursed smile.

“Aye, Louis” he says simply, bringing me up next to the bed, his arm wrapped around my shoulder. It’s the first time that I see Harry, and I can’t help but choke back emotion.

There he is, the flirtatious jerk, laying in the bed as if he’s sleeping. But we all know he isn’t. They’ve cleaned him up from the wreck, but there’s still scrapes and bruises all over his face, littering his perfect jawline with a number of stitches. He’s still as Louis has ever seen him, aside from the machine that pushes air into his lungs in a rhythmic motion. I don’t know what happens, but the next thing I know, Niall is helping me into an uncomfortable chair next to Harry’s bed. My face is littered with tears and I can feel my lungs stifling back a sob. His once beautiful head of curls is gone, shaved clean and wrapped in dressings.

“How...when...did it happen?” I ask Niall, keeping my voice low, even though I’m sure Harry can’t hear anything.

Niall explains the entire scenario, how he and Zayn came upon the accident the night before. He told me how they had been at the hospital all night, waiting to see what happened with Harry and how the internal bleeding from the wreck caused even the doctors to look a bit worried.

“Where’s the other guy? Why did they shave his head?” I ask, glancing back toward Harry.

“There was no other guy, mate.” Niall says slowly, and I feel like time is creeping by as Zayn walks in the room. He puts an arm around Niall and whispers something in his ear, causing Niall to exit the room. Zayn drags a chair up next to mine and for the briefest of moments I see him look at Harry and smile.

“Louis?” he asks me, and I don’t know if I want to hear what he has to say. I only nod as recognition that I’ve heard him.

“Harry had a lot that he may have wanted to tell you, but didn’t.” Zayn starts, and I can feel a fresh set of tears prick behind my eyes. “I don’t know why, and I don’t know if or how he was going to tell you - but here I am, doing it for him.” He runs a hand through his hair before taking both of my hands in his own.

“Harry had cancer as a kid, and a few months ago - right after meeting you - he discovered it had come back. Only this time it’s a little different. See, as you know, Harry is a stubborn little prat, and didn’t want to get things taken care of, but I pushed him into it. He was diagnosed and started chemo…” he trails off, handing me a kleenex.

“The day we started tutoring?” I ask between sniffles, remembering how sick Harry had been.

“Right, he started the day before. It made him feel miserable, but he wanted to keep tutoring you on Sunday nights. He didn’t stop, even when I asked him to - and I can usually convince him to do most anything after enough bickering.” he laughed and shook his head, eyes back on me. “The doctors found that the cancer had spread, and were doing a more aggressive treatment. What they didn’t know was where it was going to go, which was to his brain. He got into the car accident because he had a seizure caused by a tumor in his brain.” Zayn finally said, barely able to hold himself together toward the end. “I guess I just want you to know that even though he was a proper dick to you at some point, I think somewhere inside he was trying to have a real life outside of the diagnoses, and wanted you to be a part of that world for him.” Zayn explained how Harry would often come home after tutoring and talk about what he and Louis did, and even though it was the most boring thing sometimes, Harry had a smile on his face because he wasn’t dealing with other shit that was going on.

Zayn and I are sitting in silence for a few minutes before Zayn’s phone interrupts. He looks down at the phone and lets out a sigh, sliding it open to answer.

“Hey Anne!” he says, faking cheerfulness the best he can.

I can hear a voice say something on the other line, a loud accented voice, and it all comes together. I remember that Harry has to pick up his mum from the airport, and mine is waiting there as well. Harry’s mum has no idea what’s happened, I can tell that much by her voice. Zayn exchanges a few more words with Harry’s mum before hanging up.

“How am I supposed to tell Anne and Gem that Harry is here?” he asks aloud, but mostly to himself.

I shake my head, trying to digest all of the information that’s been given to me. Harry is sick, he has cancer, he had a seizure, his mum is coming to town, my mum is coming to town, and now Harry’s in the hospital and… “Why isn’t he awake?” I ask Zayn, my mind going back to Harry and why he’s in the hospital.

“He hasn’t woken up after surgery yet. They said it could take days and we shouldn’t worry just yet…” Zayn trails off, standing up from his chair and shoving his phone back in his pocket.

\---

Zayn and I arrive at the airport together, after convincing me that he had plenty of room for my family and their luggage in addition to Harry’s. I try to tell him that we can take the bus just fine, but Zayn insists that he and Niall can drive. Niall follows behind us and we pull up to the international terminal together. The sudden wave of homesickness I get is only amplified when I see the amount of people waiting at baggage claim. Leaving Zayn and Niall with the cars, I make my way inside and almost immediately spot my sister’s bright blonde hair, followed by my mum.

“Lottie!” I nearly yell across the claim area, her head turning as I say her name. A bright but tired grin appears on her face as I run up and bring her into my arms. “Lottie, I’m so happy you’re here.” I tell her, my mind still back at the hospital and definitely not in the present.

“Is that my Lou bear?” I hear my mother ask before I feel a pair of strong arms around me, bringing me into the best hug there is on the planet. My mum has always been close to me and is always someone that can talk me down when I’m stressed out. She pulls me away to look at my face and a fresh set of tears have sprung up. I can’t tell if they’re from everything that’s going on, or seeing my family, but my mother wipes them away with her thumb.

“What is it dear? Is everything ok?”

I notice Zayn and Niall a few feet away, Zayn hugging a slender dark haired woman that I can only guess is Harry’s mum. They have almost the exact same face, and I can tell already she’s a lovely woman.

“Lou?” my mum asks, bringing me back to the present.

“I’m sorry yeah, everything’s fine.” I venture a glance toward Lottie who’s already read me like a book for the night. I explain to them how Zayn and Niall will be driving us back, my mum giving me the address of the hotel where we’re all going to stay during the time they’re visiting. Zayn calls me over and I bring my mum and Lottie over to the rest of the group.

“Anne, this is Louis and his mum and sister” Zayn nods towards us.

I can see a light of recognition go off in Harry’s mum’s eyes, the same eyes that have looked at me so many times before. It seems like she knows who I am, but I wave the thought away and glance towards my family.

“Yeah, mum this is Zayn, Niall, and Harry’s mum and sister.”

“Call me Anne.” his mother pauses for a moment. “You too, Louis.” she offers a warm smile.

The group exchange introductions and make our way back to the cars, my family with Niall and Harry’s with Zayn. The ride to the hotel is a mostly quiet one, as everyone seems to be exhausted from the flight and the events of last night and today. I desperately want to go back to the hospital, but I can’t tell my family what happened just yet, and I certainly can’t abandon them on their first night in town.

When Niall drops us off he tells me he’ll definitely talk to me later and keep me updated on what’s going on.

\---

Four days pass without seeing Harry or anyone other than my family. I keep up with Zayn via text, and he tells me there hasn’t been any change. Harry’s mum and sister are apparently doing ok, and they seem optimistic about Harry coming around quite soon. They’re staying at Zayn and Harry’s place for their visit, which was always the plan, but now it seems strange without Harry there. Zayn tells me that he’s tried to give them space, but they’ve known each other for quite some time, and Anne tells him she’s like a second son.

It’s a gloomy Saturday morning when I wake up at 6 AM and can’t get back to sleep. I’ve been on and off with sleeping since Harry’s accident that was almost a week ago. I can’t help but wonder what he looks like now, what’s going on in his head, and when the hell he’s ever going to wake up. I try to busy myself with homework and playing on my phone, but nothing seems to work. I leave a note for my mum and sister telling them that I’ve gone to the hospital to check in on some paperwork for my internship and let them know I’ll be back later and not to worry.

I hop on the bus and make my way to UC Medical, nodding to the front desk worker, Carla, before going upstairs to visit with Harry. I get to his door, but stop short at the voices I hear talking inside. I recognize one as Anne’s, and the other is very familiar but I can’t quite place it until I hear their conversation.

“I hadn’t heard from him and he was supposed to come in last night for a session.” the mystery voice says.

“I’m sorry, love. I didn’t know the boys hadn’t told you yet, they were in quite a tizzy when everything happened last week.”

There’s silence from the other voice,  but I can hear the sound of a chair being pushed back and someone slumped into it. I can tell the other person is upset by the way Anne’s voice drops. It’s soothing, and I find myself being comforted by the words, even though they aren’t directed at me.

“I know the two of you had a close relationship, Jackson. He always talks about how wonderful you are and what a help you are. As a matter of fact last Saturday he sent Gemma a text and said he made a really great breakthrough. He seemed really excited about whatever it was that you were working on.”

There was a chuckle from the male voice. “He does some great work, Anne. It took him a while to get here, but he did it.” he paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. “He better come out of this soon so he can follow up with it.” It sounded as if he was scolding Harry, though his voice was light. There was a long moment of silence that I decide to take as my opportunity.

I walk inside and clear my throat, recognizing the man that was referred to as Jackson, as JR. I’m so confused about their relationship, but I don’t care at this point - I’m only here to see Harry.

“Louis, right?” Anne asks, enveloping me in her arms and holding on tight. I wrap my own arms around her and inhale her scent, a warm and floral smell that’s oddly comforting.

“Yeah, I...it’s nice to meet you...again, I guess." I offer.

She gives me a warm smile and glances over at her son, her eyes eventually landing back on me. “I’ve heard a lot about you, I’m glad to finally meet you.” she tells me, hugging me once more before letting go. I want to ask her what Harry has said, but that’s not fair to him right now.

“Can I see him? Or, or I can come back another time. I shouldn’t have interrupted, I…” I start, but am cut off by the man sitting next to Harry’s bed.

“Louis can I actually speak to you for a minute?” he asks, and I’m taken aback.

I glance at Anne, who’s still giving me the warmest smile. She nods and pats my shoulder before leaving the room. “I’ll be right outside if you two need anything.” she gives me a wink and I can feel myself blush. I take the chair that’s next to JR, but further away from Harry. He turns to face me.

“I’m sorry we got off on such a bad foot, Louis.” he pauses, lips pursed. “I couldn’t really explain who I was, but things are different now.” I can feel a heat rise to my face, and I find myself worried about what’s about to leave his mouth. “I’m his therapist, definitely not his boyfriend.” he finally says, and I think I breathe a sigh of relief. JR tells me how he’s been working with Harry for about a year now, and he’s made a lot of progress in that short time. He avoids specifics for privacy reasons, but he pauses when he gets to the night of the car accident.

“I saw him that night, he wanted to meet after a late night at the hospital - with Kevin of course.” he ran a hand through his hair and glanced back at Harry, a sad look crossing his face when he turns back to me. “He was really concerned about keeping you safe - he tried to stay away from you because, if you can imagine, the guy was actually trying to protect you...from this, I guess.” he chokes back something emotional and continues speaking. I can’t help but to sit and stare at him, waiting for what’s next. “That last session was mostly about you. He wanted to tell you what was going on with him, and why in his words he was being a ‘proper dick’ to you for the past few weeks.” He rummages through a leather briefcase that I realize is near his feet, bringing out an envelope and placing it on the hospital bed in front of me.

My eyes travel over toward it and I see an ‘L’ scrawled in messy handwriting that I immediately recognize as Harry’s. I look up to JR, silently asking for an explanation.

“He didn’t know the best way to tell you all of his feelings, so I told him to write it - and he already had. Harry wrote some beautiful words about you, Louis. He wanted to make sure they were perfect, so we practiced writing it to you - with the intention of eventually working up the courage to tell you in person. Given the circumstances, I think it’s best that you have it now.”

I glance back at the letter and take in between my hands. It feels too heavy and too light at the same time. My eyes travel towards Harry’s puffy face, the oxygen that keeps pumping into his body, and his incredible stillness. The machines lull me into a sort of trance as I look at the envelope again, and it feels like years before I hear JR again.

“Louis?” he asks.

“Yeah I...thank you.” I pick up the letter and move to get up from the seat.

“Louis, you can stay here and read it. Maybe it’ll be good for you.” he offers his seat to me, and I move closer to Harry. JR apologizes again for the confusion and tells me he'll be outside with Anne if I need to talk or need anything. I hear the door shut behind him and my gaze moves down to the envelope that now lies next to Harry's hand.

I glance up at him and down and the white envelope with the simple "L" scrawled on it. I know Harry may have never meant for me to see this letter, but it means more to me already and I haven't even opened it.

I stick my finger under the flap and tear it gently, careful not to rip it too much. The pages inside are a lined off white color and I immediately recognize them as ones Harry has written to me on before. He takes pages out of his notebook to leave me notes and to take notes on when he tutors me. The familiarity of the paper elicits a pain in my heart

Unfolding the papers, I can see the intense scrawl of a thoughtful person. Harry is intense about a lot of things it seems, but he also puts great care into whatever it is he's doing. He's shown that to me by being close to Kevin, having the closest friendships, and not conforming to what people thinks he should be. I venture another glance up to his quiet face before looking down at the pages.

~~_Louis,_ ~~

~~_Lou,_ ~~

~~_Dear Louis,_ ~~

_Prep School,_

_I wanted to start by apologizing for being such a dick when I first met you, and then again...basically until today. I've been a proper twat and I really don't have an excuse. I've been selfish in more ways than one in my life, but most of all with you. I think JR says it's my way of protecting myself - being a dick, that is. I think that if I don't have to get close to people, then I'll be safe. The thing is, I wanted to be close to you. You were interesting and mysterious and I spent every waking moment wondering how I could learn more about that closeted kid from Doncaster in the really dumb looking pants. I probably shouldn't say that in a letter that's supposed to be how I speak to you, should I? Fuck it, we all know I can be an idiot, and my behavior towards you was no exception._

_Only a bit after meeting you did I learn that my ~~fucking disease bullshit~~ cancer was back. I had been without this shit for years, but it rears it's fucking ugly head right after you ~~puked all over my boots~~ fall into my life. You probably already have some clue since I'll be telling you this when I'm bald. Reminder: let Kevin send the pics to Louis of our hair shaving adventure._

_Anyway, I started chemo and we started tutoring. At first I was pissed that I had to tutor you, because I was trying to stay away. But really, that was the only thing in my week I looked forward to. Don't get me wrong I love Ni and Zayn with my whole heart (tell Lou not to repeat that) but they knew everything. I would catch them looking at me with those sad doe eyes and I didn't want that from you. You were my peace in a life of chaos. When we kissed I felt normal again. Well, not normal, but fucking amazing. You're unlike anyone I've ever met, and waiting to kiss you felt like an eternity. The night at my apartment was everything to me, because the next day I had to get a port - which is when I decided I needed to let you go. I wanted you so badly but you didn't need to be dragged into my cancerous life. You had better things to do, and deserved better than what I could give you._

_I guess I should also mention I was a pretty heavy drug user at one time. When you came to The 1975 show I had just fallen back down the hole. Heroin is a nasty business, and she has a way of drawing you back into her web so fast and so deep. I'd only been using a few days at that point, but the draw of the high - the numbing - it was all I wanted and all I needed._

_We fell back into tutoring and I kept you at a distance. I wanted you to find something better to do, someone else to spend your time with. I hoped you would forget about me, but I desperately pleaded that you wouldn't. I wanted to know everything about you. What's your favorite color, what's your middle name, do you have a dream for the future, and what did you think of me? I'm fairly certain you thought I was a prick which is understandable._

_But here I am writing to you late on a Sunday night with fucking JR (just kidding he's a great guy, especially for putting up with my shit) and spilling my feelings out on a paper you'll never see. At least this way I can edit it and make a decent speech to you without looking like a fucking moron._

_I hope to get the answers to my burning questions soon, and maybe we can see where to go from there...assuming you still want to associate with me. I'll be bald and cranky....but maybe it'll be worth it...I can hope, huh?_

_There's a few words on these pages. Poems and songs. Also a list of my recordings that Lou might like...Note: give them to Louis if he hasn't run for the hills yet_

_Love,_

_Harry Edward Styles, incredibly prickish gent :)_

I read through the letter and notes he's written to himself, my heart in my throat as the lines bore into me. I can't believe he's been holding this much back, how can someone shoulder all of this themselves? I'm suddenly grateful for JR and everything he's helped Harry with, even though I'm sure I don't know the half of it. By the end of the letter, there are fresh tears rolling down my face, my body wrecked as a small sob flows through me. I turn the page over and his words are there once more.

_ Hiding My Heart _

_So this is how the story went_   
_I met someone by accident_   
_That blew me away_   
_That blew me away_   
  
_It was in the darkest of my days_   
_When you took my sorrow and you took my pain_   
_And without knowing you buried them away, you buried them away_   
  
_CHORUS:_

_And I wish I could lay down beside you_   
_When the day is done_   
_And wake up to your face under the morning sun_   
_But like everything I've ever known_   
_I'm sure you'll go one day_   
_So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away_   
_And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away_   
  
_I dropped you off at your home_

_And laid a short kiss on your lips_   
_I watched you wave_   
_I watched you wave_   
_Then I went on home to my skyscrapers_   
_Neon lights and waiting papers_   
_That I call home_   
_I call it home_   
  
_[CHORUS HERE]_

_I woke up feeling heavy hearted_   
_I'm going back to where this started_

His words stop there, but my tears don't. I take Harry's hand in mine and squeeze it only for a moment before ripping a small corner off of his letter. I find a pen on the bedside table and scribble something down and shove it into his journal. My emotions are running wild from what's been admitted to me, and I can't help but think this is all a strange dream. I turn over another page and realize it's names of recordings that he think I might like. I make a mental note to ask Zayn what all of them are.

For Louis:

\- The Sun

\- Roaming Places

\- Donny Boy (heh...)

\- Between the Concrete and Clouds

\- Fever Moon

\- Tomorrow's Just Too Late

I fold up the letter and shove it back into the envelope, Harry's words echoing in my head. I look over to him and study his face. He looks so peaceful amidst the bruising and brokenness that surrounds him. I find myself lost in his face, my low sobs echoing in the small room. I jump when a hand touches my shoulder, and turn to see none other than my mother.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The journey is almost overrrr :'(

I stare at my mum for what seems like forever, my breath coming out in shallow spurts as my mind runs a mile a minute. Maybe I can play this off as being sad about a friend, maybe she hasn’t seen enough to know it might be something more than that, and just maybe I can play this off so I won’t have to come out to her. Before I have the chance to say anything, my mum interrupts my thoughts.

“Love, why didn’t you tell us this happened?” she asked, her gaze traveling briefly over Harry’s face before settling in the seat next to me, my hands in hers.

I can’t muster up a response, but my face gives my mother everything she’s been silently asking.

“I spoke with Harry’s mum outside” she starts, and I can feel a redness coming to my face. “She say’s he’s stable for now. I wish you would have told Lottie and I what had you so down. I’m so sorry, Loubear.” She stands up again and beckons me into a hug, squeezing tightly and telling me how much she loves me.

\---

After saying goodbye to JR and Anne, letter tucked safely inside my coat, my mother and I head back to the hotel. We’re all sitting on the bed surrounded by boxes of Chinese takeout when I suddenly have word vomit.

“I think I’m in love with Harry.” I nearly choke on the words as they leave my mouth.

Lottie looks between mum and I, waiting for whatever it is that comes after such a bold statement. I can feel myself holding my breath as mum sets down her fork and scoots closer to me.

“When did you know, love?” she asks. Her question is simple, but it means so much to me that we’re having this conversation. There’s no yelling, no argument, no questioning of who I am or who I can be with. The relief washes over me like a flood.

“I….I think I always knew that I liked guys.” I say, unable to meet her gaze yet. This feels strange and much more relaxed than I thought it would be. I can hear Lottie chuckle as she takes a sip of water.

“I mean Harry, dear. If he’s anything like his mum, I’m sure he’s lovely.” she offers, reaching over and pulling me close. My head falls easily on her shoulder, and it feels like home. I’ve missed being so close to my mum, and now that it’s out in the open I feel as if I can breathe easier. I can feel her lips kiss the top of my head, and a genuine smile crosses my face for the first time since they came into town.

I end up telling my mum everything about Harry and what’s been going on between us. I can feel her tense up when he’s mean to me at specific moments, but she eventually relaxes. I omit a few instances when I slept over or we shared intimate moments, but for the most part I’m very straightforward and honest with her.

“Mum you should have heard the way he talked about him. One minute he thinks Harry might be the best thing ever, the next he’s the biggest twat who…” she trails off, knowing that she’s said something wrong when fresh tears sprout up in Louis’ eyes.

\---

Days of no change in Harry turn into weeks, and I go to see him as often as I can. Lottie or my mum usually come with me and talk with Anne or roam about the hospital. I stop in to check on Kevin a few times, but spend most of my time with Harry when I’m there. I’ve read his letter at least once a day and am waiting for the time when Harry can tell me himself. It’s a cool evening when I hear a knock at the door, and turn to see Liam coming in.

“Hey Louis, I heard you were up here and I wanted to see if you wanted to get out for a bit.” he pauses, glancing over at Harry’s sleeping form. Liam has been to see him a few times, and has been surprisingly supportive of me throughout all of this.

I think for a moment and nod my head. “Down for some footie? The indoor pitch should be open since it’s cold out.”

\---

Liam and I play footie almost every day after that point. He tells me how I should go out for the team, and focus on something besides homework for once in my life. Truth be told I’m not focusing on anything except Harry right now, and it’s gotten me in a weird place. I’m thankful for the distraction that Liam is giving me, and even more so after my mum and Lottie leave. My family and Gemma take the same flight back to the UK, leaving Anne in the states to look after Harry until he comes out of his coma. My birthday and Christmas pass, and  I visit Harry as often as I can when the semester starts up again, but it’s getting harder to be met with the same answer everytime I ask if anything has changed. The letter stays in the same place, on my bedside table, read every so often when I’m wondering if Harry will ever be back in my life.

It’s mid January when I start back with my rotation at the hospital as a psych intern, this time I’m taking Harry’s spot, at least for the time being. It gives me a chance to hang out with Kevin more often, who is constantly giving me get well cards for Harry.

That evening I walk up to his room and I immediately notice something is wrong. The bed is gone and so is Anne, her always present self leaving a hole where I know my heart should be. I flag down a nurse and ask where Harry and his mum are, wondering what has happened to make them move him somewhere other than ICU. The nurse informs me that they run tests on all of their patients and he’s simply undergoing routine testing to monitor his brain and other systems. I can feel myself breathe a sigh of relief.

The following day are footie try outs, and I can’t help but realize that it’s been almost 2 months to do the day since Harry’s accident. I shake the thought from my head as I tie up my boots, wondering how Liam convinced me to do this. The men’s team at UC is pretty epic, and I would be lucky to even be considered for their B side “soccer” team. I shake out my hands and  glance around at the other guys in the locker room, wondering which will make it on the team.

The tryouts are amazing. I score almost every goal that I try for, and defend it just as well. Back at home I was a striker, and pride myself on being pretty quick on the pitch. The captains of the team praise my work, and they tell everyone that we should hear from them in less than a week. I try to occupy myself with homework and my internship, but not hearing back about footie after a week really gets to my head.

I get back late one night from my internship and drag myself upstairs. When I open the door to my room I'm met with a bombardment of cheers from Liam, Zayn, and Niall. They're all shouting and smiling as big as they can, a "congrats Tommo!" sign hangs from the ceiling.

"What is all this?" I ask, hugging them one by one, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

"You did it mate!" Zayn quietly embraces me in a hug as Liam holds out a maroon and white jersey, turning it around to show me that Tomlinson is stitched on the back.

"Bloody....really?" I can feel my eyes light up, tears stinging at the corners of them as I take in my friends once more. The only thing missing is...Harry.

I know Zayn can see it on my face, his features soften as he puts the jersey on my bed and pats me on the shoulder. "Whaddya say we have a party at our place for the start of the season. February right? Harry's birthday is the 1st so we can celebrate that too." He brings me in for another hug and squeezes tight.

"That'd be awesome. Thanks so much for doing this! I'm going to be on the football team!" The realization hits me again. I need to get to sleep, but I know the excitement in my head won't calm down any time soon.

\---

The next two weeks pass and I haven't been in to see Harry at all. When I drop by in the few minutes of spare time he's either out for test or his mum is in with him and I don't want to interrupt.

Footie practice has been going really well, and the guys on the team seem really great for the most part. There are a few jerks, but who doesn't have some of those on a Uni team. I spend most of my time with a new mate Matty, who's the first string goalie. We hang out during practice and grab dinner afterward when we have time. He's a really chill guy and doesn't ask too many questions about me, which is really nice.

The Friday of the party rolls around. I shower after practice and put on a pair of black skinny jeans and a cream colored sweater. Liam and I bundle up in our coats and hats for the short walk over to Zayn's place, snow beginning to drift in and coat the city in white. I'm just about to knock at the door when it opens, Niall standing there all drunk and smiley.

"Maaaates! Tonight is going to be amazing!" He shouts and it looks as if he's been crying, but maybe he's just high. I pull him in for a hug and laugh at his little Irish comments.

We walk inside and are enveloped by a throng of people dancing to loud music playing over Zayn's speakers. He saunters down the stairs, a sly smile on his face when he eyes me. We all go into the kitchen and Zayn lines up shots for everyone. The party goes on and Zayn continues to feed everyone alcohol. I’m starting to feel pretty buzzed when I feel a pair of hands wrap around my face, covering my eyes.

"Niall, stop fucking with me." I groan and attempt to remove the hands from over my eyes. It's then that I recognize a familiar scent, but can't seem to place it. Whoever is behind me leans down to my ear and I can practically hear them smiling.

"Red is a miserable favorite color.” They say, and I suddenly realize how quiet the room has gotten. There’s a hush that’s fallen over the living space, and as the hands drop from my face, it takes me a minute to turn around. A part of me knows who I’m about to see, but the other simply can’t believe it. My eyes travel from his feet to his face, taking in all of Harry before I take him into the biggest hug I’ve ever given.

“What the hell?” I ask softly the room starts to buzz again. I catch a glimpse of Zayn, who’s smiling in the corner with Niall. They knew this was happening all along, and I can’t help but love and hate them for it. “How are you here? How are you….awake?” I ask, tears begging to fall from my eyes.

“How ‘bout we go upstairs for a minute.” Harry offers, nodding toward the stairs. “We have a lot to catch up on, eh?” he ventures a smile and I shake my head, wondering if this dream will end.

I see Harry’s eyes fall, the light that was in them leaving quickly. “Oh...alright, we don’t have to.” he says quietly. I want to slap him, but I’m not sure that’s the reaction he needs after being in a coma for so long.

“No, no, Hazza...I’m just surprised to see you, I just...yeah, let’s go then.” He doesn’t waste any time grabbing my hand and leading me up the stairs. A familiar pang in my heart remembers the last time he was dragging me up the stairs. My cheeks feel hot as I remember the kiss we shared, the hours of touching we experienced together, and my realization that I had that night.

Harry opens the door to his room, shutting it behind us with a soft click. I immediately notice Harry’s notebook is on the floor, a number of pages strewn about the room. Other than that the room is utterly pristine. I notice my nice shirts hanging up in the closet, but I like the look of them there, and decide not to say anything.

“My mum cleaned up. Lots of time on her hands, eh?” he answers my silent question, and I turn to face Harry, alone with him for the first time since I learned how he felt about me.

“How are you here?” I ask.

“Well you see when two people love each other very much…” he starts, a smirk pulling at his lips. He laughs and adjusts the beanie atop his head before taking a few steps toward me. Harry sits down on the floor, moving his papers toward the side and offering me a cup of something.

“I uh, I can’t drink so do you want some juice?” he asks, and I happily take it.

Harry launches into a long explanation of what’s going on. He tells me that he came out of his coma a few weeks ago, and has been doing intensive physical therapy to recover his fine motor functions. He tells me that he made everyone promise not to tell me, saying that I already saw him at his most vulnerable place, and he didn’t want anymore pity from me.

“Harry, I wouldn’t..” I start, but he cuts me off.

“Louis, please let me finish. If you don’t and we stop for even a moment, I won’t be able to keep my hands off of you.” he explains, a blush rising up to my cheeks. “I may not be able to drink or do much of anything else, but I’m going to kiss you before I go back to the hospital.” he tells me, a toothy grin on his face.

“You’re...what?”

“I mean, only if you want to.” he clarifies, toying with the pieces of paper he’s ripped out from his journal.

Louis suddenly remembers that he was there for all of the changes that have happened, was present for his coming out, but meanwhile Harry was lost in his mind, in the hospital. Harry doesn’t know much of anything about how Louis’ life has changed since then.

“Wait…” I start, remembering how Harry had mentioned my favorite color. “You got my note then?” I ask, watching his smile extend across his face.

Harry reaches into the pocket of his...wow he’s wearing sweatpants, and pulls out a yellowed crumbly piece of paper. “The answers to my questions.” he pauses, unfolding it as if it holds the secrets to the universe.

“Red. William. Psychologist.” he reads the words I desperately scribbled on that piece of paper before my whole life changed, pausing before reading the last one. “This one’s my favorite” Harry eye’s me, glancing down as he reads from the paper. I know he knows exactly what it says, he briefly meets my gaze. “I’m in love with you.”

I look down at my hands, needing to find something to occupy them with. I’m silent for a few breaths before I feel a hand at my chin, my head lifting to meet Harry’s gaze. “Are you?” he asks, the words heavy in the darkness of his room. I can feel the bass beat downstairs and feel as if it’s replicating from my own heart, which I think might beat out of my chest.

“I am.”

The words barely have time to leave my mouth before Harry’s lips are crushed against mine, with a need that is unparalleled to anything I’ve ever felt before. His hands cup my face, firm palms crushing as his tongue asks for permission to enter my mouth. I part my lips for him and our kiss deepens, rendering me both speechless and unable to move.

Harry breaks away from me at the sound of his phone, a simple text message giving me a chance to breathe. He taps out a quick reply on his phone before turning back to me, his face flushed. “I uh...I’m kind of on a tight schedule.” he tells me, pulling me into his lap before I have a chance to protest. “Mum told the doctors she was taking me for a midnight snack and would have me back in an hour.” he smiles at the irony of the word snack, running his tongue across his lips.

“You’re still just as cheeky as ever” I tell him, leaning in to plant a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Harry lets out a small purr of acceptance, his eyes fluttering closed to savor the kiss.

“Mmm. Unfortunately I’m also still recovering from all this bullshit, so I have to get back to the hospital.” he wraps his arms around my neck and pulls me down for another kiss before his phone buzzes again. “Mum’s been outside for a while now, I should probably get back.” he goes to stand up, helping me up from the floor as well.

I walk down the stairs hand and hand with Harry, something I didn’t think was possible and never expected to have happen. Niall and Zayn are by the front door with Anne, probably trying to make up excuses for Harry and when he would be back down. A smile breaks out on her face when she sees me, a finger beckoning Harry to come down the stairs a bit quicker.

“Sorry mum, just ah...catching up.”

“Well boys I’ve got to get Harry back over to the hospital before he turns into a pumpkin.” she smiles and hugs each of us goodbye, holding on to me in particular until Harry clears his throat.

“Mum” he chides, going around the circle and hugging Niall, Zayn and myself. I can feel Harry’s hot breath in my hair when he hugs me, planting a kiss on my neck. “I love you.” he whispers into my ear, soft enough so even I question if it was whispered or not.


	15. Chapter 15

Back at the hospital I can’t stop smiling, even though I’m in the worst place. I pull out my notebook and jot down a few words, flipping it closed when my mum comes back into the room. At this point, visiting hours don’t apply to her, since she tells the nursing staff that she’s earned her stay here. Beanie still atop my head, my mum comes in and kisses my forehead, settling herself in the recliner chair that she’s used as a bed way too many times the past few months.

“What?” I ask, feeling her eyes on me, her silent questions hanging in the air. It’s a late night for the both of us, but I can tell there’s something on her mind.

“Nothing” she coos, flipping open her book, and closing it almost immediately after that. “I just…” she started, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. “I’m glad you finally realize what you deserve, love.” she says softly, reaching out for my hand.

I typically am not the most sensitive person, but with my mum everything is different. We’ve always been there for each other, through thick and thin. With Gemma and I gone at uni, I can only imagine what she’s been going through - not that we’re her whole life...but maybe pretty close.

“I know you always thought that you were less than, and deserved less than perfect in a partner, Harry.” she pauses, wiping her eyes with a tissue. “I think you finally realize what a heart of gold you have - even if you don’t always let people see that part of you.” She goes on to explain to me how great I was growing up, how I deserved so much more from her. She apologizes a number of times for working too much and not being there for me when I needed it. I try to cut her off, say it isn’t true, but she doesn’t let me.

“What I’m trying to say is, I think since you’re finally happy, I can be in that place too.”

I can feel my brows draw upward, wondering what exactly she means by that. Her voice is low, but she can’t keep the smile off of her face. My mother has never been good at keeping secrets, and I think this may be one of those occasions.

“Mum...what are you talking about?”

“Well honey, you know how I’ve been seeing Robin for quite some time, yeah?” she asks, her voice soft throughout the quiet hospital room.

“Yes…” I trail off, wondering where this conversation is going. She’s smiling so I know it’s good news, but I wonder how much her next sentence is going to change her life.

She’s quiet for a moment as she glances over to the door, waving someone in. It’s nearly two in the morning at this point, and I can’t imagine who would be here to visit me. My thoughts come to a halt as Robin walks in, his tall form clad in a deep black suit.

I can feel my mood soften just from seeing him. Robin has been a constant in my mother’s life for what feels like eons. He’s basically my father, as he has been there for me through every major life event, especially when I needed a father the most. I really fucked with Robin the past few years, being the emotional basketcase that everyone knew I was. I wasn’t fair to him, but I’m certainly not ready to tell him that yet.

Robin sits down next to my bed and tells me that while I was at the party, mum came to pick him up from the airport. “As soon as I heard you were doing well, I booked my flight.” he tells me, continuing on with his story. He tells me how much he loves my mum, and how they’ve basically been married for years anyway, but didn’t have enough money at any one time to buy rings and make it official.

“I came here to ask your permission” he finally says, pausing for a moment to glance over at my mum who’s crying. “To marry your mother.” he clarifies, his lips pursed in silent anticipation.

“Robin” I start, shaking my head. “If you think my mum needs my permission to do anything, you’d be sorely mistaken.” I tell him, a grin pulling at the corner of my mouth. I can hear my mother choke back a laugh through her tears.

“You’ve already been my father since I was 10 Robin, you may as well make an honest woman out of my mother. Though I do have one condition…” I trail off, my reply eliciting a huge smile from Robin and my mother.

“Whatever you want, H.”

“Can you at least wait until I have a bit of hair?” I ask, my smile fading the slightest bit. I can’t imagine being in all of my mother’s wedding photos looking like a bald mess...and hopefully I’ll have Louis next to me.

\---

**[Louis’ POV]**

“Ok guys quiet, quiet” I shush Zayn, Niall, and Liam who are all traveling behind me as I push the wheelchair forward. Anne has helped us with all the planning in the past twelve hours, and we’ve had to scramble together to make Harry’s birthday the best it can be at the hospital. I can hear Niall snicker behind me as I push open the door to Harry’s room. He’s gone to therapy with JR in another part of the hospital, and his mom text to say he would be back in about 10 minutes.

After we position ourselves at the far end of the room, I can hear Niall and Zayn whispering to one another, their sweet comments bringing a smile to my face. I never pinned Niall and Zayn to get together, but now that they are I can’t imagine it any other way. The pair certainly compliment each other nicely, Zayn being quiet and observant while Niall boasts whatever he thinks at any possible moment.

“He’s coming!” I whisper, after receiving a text from Anne letting me know they’re on their way back.

The door creaks open and in walks Harry, clad in sweatpants and a band tee, the familiar beanie on top of his head.

“SURPRISE!” Everyone yells, and a genuine smile breaks out on his face, though I think he’s only focusing on me.

**[Harry’s POV]**

I can only look at Louis. I’m only able to focus on the sharp line of his jaw, the ice blue of his eyes, and fuck that ratty old sweater that he loves hanging off of his shoulders. My mouth bursts into a grin, finally noticing everyone else in the room...including Kevin. I haven’t seen him since coming out of a coma, we were both too susceptible to germs and infection that the doctors wouldn’t let us visit one another. Under normal circumstances I would have broken the rules, but this was different, this was his little life and my selfishness.

“Superman” I breathe, lifting Kevin out of the chair and hugging him close. I can feel his small arms encircle my neck and hold me tight, his small voice telling me happy birthday.

“I brought you a present.” he tells me when I set him back in the chair. He brings out a card and taped to the inside is the monopoly piece I had always used when Louis and I would play games with Kevin.

“I saved it for you, it’s your favorite - the thimble.” he blushes but looks proud when I thank him.

My eyes flit up to Louis who’s still holding the handles of the wheelchair, his gaze focused on me as I move around the chair and take him into my arms. He softens immediately, arms wrapped around my shoulders as his head nuzzles into my neck. I can hear Niall comment on our embrace, but ignore it, the warm feeling of Louis in my arms is worth more to me now than my outward appearance.

We break away from the hug and I greet Zayn and Niall, thanking everyone for coming down for my birthday. I know they probably have better things to do, but it’s clear they care enough to come see me.

The group of us end up playing Monopoly with Kevin for hours, stopping only briefly when the nurse tells me I need to rest, as I’ll be released from the hospital soon. It’s a point of contension for my mother and I. She wants me to take a break from school and come home to Holmes Chapel so she can take care of me, but everything else I need is here - in this room. Louis, JR, my doctors...I can’t imagine living six months without all of them in constant contact. I shake the thought from my head and focus on the game.

The night wears on, Niall and Zayn leaving together - making some excuse about studying, but they’ve never been ones to study on the weekends. I venture a smile over at Louis when they leave, waggling my brows in their direction.

“They sure have gotten...close, huh?” I ask as Louis cleans up the game, his eyes heavy with sleep.

“Hey, c’mere.” I tell him, scooting over in the bed and patting the spot next to me. Louis smiles and sets the game aside, sliding in easily next to me. He lays with his head near my shoulder, my arm wrapped around his form. He seems to fit perfectly next to me, his slow breaths letting me know that he’s even more tired than I thought.

“This is funny” he says softly, his azure eyes meeting mine as he lets out a sigh.

“What do you mean?” I ask, pulling him closer, if that’s possible.

Louis closes his eyes and lays his arm across my midsection, pulling me close. “I mean that only a few months ago you would have nothing to do with me, and now you love me.” he breathes, voice trailing off as he falls asleep in the bed next to me.

“I’ve always loved you.” I whisper into his hair. This is by far the best birthday I’ve ever had.


	16. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! Hope you like it :)

Harry ended up being able to grow out his hair a bit for his mothers wedding. Being Robin's best man and being able to walk his mother down the aisle was one of the most memorable moments of his life. He would give anything to see his mother look so happy, and he knew her future with Robin would be just as wonderful - if not more - than the past had been.

Anne  and Robin got married almost two years after Robin asked Harry for permission, which just so happened to be a week after Harry celebrated his year in remission. With Louis as his wedding date, he of course had a night filled with love and laughter. Celebrating anything with Louis was always a thrilling experience, his eyes lit up at the mere mention of an anniversary or birthday.

_[flashback]_

_"Harry, we can't miss the first dance." Louis whined as Harry pulled him along, the evening growing dark at Anne and Robin's wedding._

_Harry didn't turn back, but stopped once they reached their destination. A small orchard sat next to the reception tent, decorated with twinkling lights and sprigs of baby's breath. They walked in the orchard until the lights and sounds of the reception faded. "We won't miss anything, I promise." Harry said softly, turning on his heel and bringing Louis into a heady kiss._

_"I've been wanting to do that since I saw you in this suit." He said, breath hot against Louis' ear before holding him at arm's length away. The deep blue suit Louis wore fit like a glove. It hugged him in all the right places, including the arse that Harry loved to grab in jest._

_A low moan came from Louis' lips as they kissed again, signaling to Harry that he and Louis were feeling the exact same way right now. Harry fiddled with something in his pocket before dropping the item on the ground. It was too dark to see anything in the orchard, they could barely make out one another's faces under the twinkling lights._

_"Oops!" Harry said, getting down on his knees to look for the lost item, glancing up at Louis upon finding it._

_"Hi" Louis said cautiously, his brows crinkling as he offered a hand to help Harry up._

_Instead of taking it, Harry adjusted himself so that one knee was on the ground, the other booted foot propping him up. He took Louis outstretched hand in his own._

_"Harry, what..." Louis started, but was cut off by Harry clearing his throat._

_“Ahem.” he paused, green eyes locked with blue. "I'm not the most sentimental guy, and I'm sure you've learned that about me by now. What I can do is keep my promises. I love you so much Louis, and I'm here in my hometown with you, because there's no one else I want to spend time with. It's been you, and has always been you. Lou, you made me realize how stupid I can be, and how amazingly wonderful you are. I promise to love you always, sickness and in health, everything and anything. I guess what I'm asking is...prep school, will you marry me?"_

_[end flashback]_   
  


Louis was at a loss for words when Harry proposed. The moment was captured perfectly by Zayn, housed safely in a frame on the mantlepiece in their flat. It had been three years ago, and since that night their lives both seemed to be in a whirlwind. Harry went on to get his masters from Cambridge, and Louis’ was drafted from Uni to play for the Doncaster Rovers. Their lives has essentially flipped upside down, but here they were, the morning of their wedding.

Louis stood in front of his now best friend in the long mirror in his childhood bedroom. Liam adjusted his bowtie just so, and patted Louis on the shoulder. “It’s going to be great mate.” Liam told him, a smile gracing his features.

“I can’t believe we’re here!” Louis told him nervously, the anticipation eating away at him. He and Harry hadn’t spent this much time apart since the US tour with the Rovers, and even then they talked whenever possible. They had only been apart two days, but Louis ached for Harry’s touch, the secret looks he would send, and God he just liked looking at his fiancee sometimes.

Louis touched his wrist, the ink of one of his many tattoos settled deeply into his skin. He and Harry had got matching ones - rope and anchor - after they made it through their six months of long distance. Granted, they were able to see each other every other weekend, but it certainly wasn’t easy, and it definitely wasn’t always perfect.

Liam grabbed Louis’ shoulders and squeezed them before bringing him into a hug. He glanced down at his watch - a best man gift from Lou, and his face lit up. “Seven minutes to go, mate!” he nearly shouted, excitement coursing through him.

\---

“Harry! Stop fucking with your hair and let’s go! You’re supposed to be waiting for Louis, not the other way around!” Niall shouted, his thick Irish accent floating through the door as his fist connected with it. Harry had been in there at least 40 minutes just staring in the mirror. He wanted to make sure everything was perfect for the day that he didn’t think he’d ever see. Hell, at one point Harry didn’t think he would live past 21.

He opened the door just before Niall’s fist connected with it again. “I’m here, I’m here.” he told him, gently pushing his best man aside and walking past him. The wedding was happening just outside, in the backyard of his childhood home. Anne and Robin had put out all the stops, sparing no expense for their son and future in law, who they considered just as much of a son.

“Looking shaaaaarp!” Niall drawled, shaking his head as if he thought he would never see the day. “Almost look as good as me on my wedding day, eh mate?” he nudged his friend, taking him by the shoulders and leading him outside.

“Yeah, yeah. You and Zayn would have never gotten together if it weren’t for me.” Harry commented, spotting his mother fixing her bouquet of flowers at the bottom of the stairs he was descending.

Anne spotted him and almost instantly began to cry. “Oh dear.” she breathed, taking Harry into a familiar hug. She looked up at the man she raised and smiled, pushing a few strands of hair away from his face. “You look so handsome.” she told him, offering her arm for him to take.

“Everyone’s outside. Are you ready?” she asked, her smile growing at the blush across her sons face.

Harry gave her a smile, briefly kissing his mum on the cheek before answering. “If I wait another second, it would be too long.” he opens the back door leading out into the garden.

It’s a small group of people, fifty at most, seated in white wooden folding chairs in Anne’s backyard. She’s done up the garden in cream and deep blue, which Harry immediately thinks will match well with Louis’ eyes. They walk up the aisle slowly, Harry nodding and smiling at a few people - namely the Tomlinson clan that’s sitting front and center, phones and camera’s at the ready. Harry kisses his mother when he gets to the end of the aisle, moving to his place at the front.

Louis took the lead on music for the ceremony, so Harry has no idea what’s coming after he walks in without any music. He stands at the end of the aisle, hands wringing together. A throat clears and Harry turns to face Zayn, who’s officiating the wedding.

“No peeking.” he chides with a shake of his head.

It’s then that Harry starts to hear the tinkle of a piano, the music silencing the guests as they turn to face the back. At the first recognition of the lyrics, Harry immediately softens, his eyes glued on Zayn to keep him in his place. Zayn gives Harry a knowing smile before turning his attention to Louis who’s standing at the back of the rows of guests, waiting arm in arm to walk down with his mother.

_This is my love song to you_

_Let everybody know I’m yours_

_So you can fall asleep each night, babe_

_And know I’m dreaming of you more_

_You’re always hoping that we make it_

_You always want to keep my gaze_

_Well you’re the only one I see_

_And that’s the one thing that won’t change_

When the music swells, Louis and his mother begin to walk down the aisle, each step feeling slower than the last. Louis wants nothing more than to run down and take Harry in his arms that very moment, but he knows the wait will be worth it. The song he chose was special to the both of them, one that encompassed everything they thought about one another. Being one another’s life, Harry not thinking he was worth it, and the glue that held them together.

Louis takes in Harry greedily, the way his suit pants fit just right, his loose shirt (a very Harry thing to wear) falling past his hips, but with a blazer on top of it. He notices Harry wearing what he deems his “fancy boots” which are the same pair that he proposed in. A grin spreads across Louis’ face and he can’t stop it from growing as they walk  closer to the front. Louis turns to his mother and plants a kiss on both of her cheeks before locking eyes with Zayn, his hands starting to shake.

Louis takes a step up, standing next to Harry for a moment before they turn to one another and bring both of their hands together. Louis takes in Harry for a second, relishing in how wodnderful he looks. His hair falls perfectly around his shoulders, the curls wrapping up in one another.

“You look so handsome” he finally whispers, feeling like he’s been holding his breath for years.

Harry grins, and desperately wants to kiss Louis. “You took the words right out of my mouth.” he tells him, eyes flitting down to his lips before Zayn interrupts by clearing his throat once more.

Their eyes don’t leave one another’s throughout the short ceremony. All of the attention is focused on the two of them, but Harry and Louis seem to only see each other. It’s not until Zayn begins to introduce the vows that the two of them snap back to reality and recite what they’ve written to one another. It’s a short ceremony, but it’s perfect for what they were looking for. When Zayn tells them they are allowed to kiss, he barely has time to get his sentence out before Harry’s hands are on Louis.

The pair or large hands circle around Louis, one one his neck and the other on his back. Harry pulls him in for a deep kiss, resulting in a holler from Niall, who has wanted to chant since the beginning of the ceremony. Zayn smiles at his husband before shaking his head at the friends who only said their vows moments ago. He leans in close. “Save something for the honeymoon, mates.”

Louis and Harry walk back down the aisle to God Only Knows, hand in hand, ready to conquer the world.

 

_fin._   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading all! You can follow me on tumblr: Styyyylinson and let me know if/how you liked it! Thanks again!


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